Trying to Detach

[may22]

Journaling.

Seems like many of us are sad, today. I am too. I feel like I'm the last one left standing in some children's game, holding the bag, and looking inside to see there is nothing there that I want. I don't *want* a half-@ssed H pretending to "try" for the sake of the children. I don't want to be in this same place a few months from now again. I only want to engage if he's going to engage too, wholly. And he simply isn't there and I have no idea if he ever will be. And yet I am still not able to be the one to walk.

I've been thinking what if I approached him really calmly and simply said, if you want a D, you can have one. I promise to be a good co-parent. Would that be enough? I can't/won't promise to be friends so I won't say that. I don't think I've ever been the one to bring it up-- I've only said you are free to go in the context of a conversation in response to him-- but I also know he doesn't believe I really mean it when I say it, and/or he believes my non-friendship "threat" would be so damaging to the children he won't call my bluff on that one. Anyway. I thought about this a lot in the middle of the night last night when I couldn't sleep. I almost thought I could do it. But in the light of day, not so much. I think I have so much fear and anger centered around him running off into the sunset with AP and the idea of her ever meeting my children, or him having a baby with her. I really, really don't want that to happen. Again, not sure exactly what is driving that, but it is a big blocker for me.

He's back in charm mode. After his call with IC yesterday he sat down and asked if we could just have a nice night together. I didn't really respond as I wasn't feeling it. He clowned around until I laughed. We watched a movie with the kids, ate dinner, a neighbor stopped by and we sat outside and chatted. This morning, he let me sleep in and cooked a beautiful big breakfast. Tonight he is all excited about the trip, came to tell me some things just fell into place with the lodgings (I think I mentioned before, he has booked all these hotels he knows I'll like. Including one I have wanted to stay at for years and years and is usually really expensive and hard to book but now has space and incredibly cheap rates.) I heard him on the phone "me, my wife, and our two children" booking something... and feel just anger and sadness and all the rest at hearing him say those words with such normalcy when he's blown everything up.

And, of course I want to go on this GD trip. It was my idea. Now it has all the places I want to stay. (Yes, I see the manipulation there.) And yet I just made a list of what would need to happen in order for me to want to go-- Alison, accepting that nothing could possibly happen to make me feel secure she is out of our lives forever, but blocking her number and email and deleting the WhatsApp app on his phone would be good starts, at least for the next month. I mean, we're still sleeping in the same bed here at home and playing happy family, so what's the difference in traveling? The main reason I didn't want to go was that I didn't want to be worried he was still in touch with her and felt like that low level anxiety would significantly detract from my enjoyment of the trip. And then yes, I used the excuse of the trip to make an arbitrary deadline. If that worry was removed for me with blocking her contacts and transparency with his phone, I think I would relax and be able to enjoy exploring these fun places with my kids, even if H were there. IDK. Nothing is set in stone at this point and if we waste some money and don't go or we switch off with the kids, that is an OK option as well.

Reposting from Wooba's thread:

may - I thought about you today. Your H also seems to be acting friendly and being a good father and all that - might be a good time to D now while he is confused and feeling extremely guilty, than to wait until he decided to act differently. Not that he will, but there is always a possibility. just my 2 cents.

I've been thinking the same thing about the leverage I have in moving now on D vs later. However, I also think that at least with my H, the likelihood (especially if I was at all contentious, got Ls involved, etc) is that the "deal" we've been talking about where I get the house and primary physical custody, was always too good to be true and it wouldn't end up that way once we got down to brass tacks. That is one of the reasons i've been thinking about a more informal post-nup to get things in writing now. My biggest thing is time with the kids, but I also know that custody arrangements can be altered at any time, so even if he is OK with this arrangement now, it is likely to change in the future. And I honestly can't imagine him being OK with less time with the kids when he comes to his senses. he's just saying this now out of guilt.

I've been thinking about this a lot... am I just setting myself up for a worse outcome a few months or a year down the road? Where this limbo just keeps going until I finally say enough, and H is no longer guilt-ridden and AP has moved on and he's angry and vindictive? I'm worried about this. Is my stubbornness about wanting to know I tried everything setting myself up for a worse outcome, only delaying the inevitable in terms of my R with H but also will he then blame me for losing AP too? (yes. the answer to that is yes.)

So, is there any realistic likelihood of me getting exactly what I would want in a D now? As I said in Wooba's thread, I don't really think so in terms of the children, which is my highest priority. Maybe in terms of the house. I do think I could get the house if we D now and maybe that wouldn't be the case down the line. In terms of the financial arrangement, I really don't know if I could actually get in a D what I would ask for in an S agreement. The second L said she thought a post-nup would be a good idea even if we decided to work on our R... maybe that is something I should pursue regardless.

Anyway, this line of thought has me thinking about what I'm risking in terms of continuing this limbo state. To date, I hadn't thought I was risking much except for time and the ability to move on more quickly if we split. However, I don't think there is any realistic chance I'd get what I'm asking for and what he's saying he'd give me now even if I filed tomorrow, unless I played really sweet and nice and friendly until the ink was dry. And I honestly don't know if I can do that. So, there's that. But I'm continuing to think on this part. It has been bothering me a lot the last couple of days.