Ending Limbo

[Core]

As early as one week ago you were ready to play the long game and then you snoop and read something you don’t like and you go back to wanting to force it.

I feel like you’ve lost your identity and you don’t know who you are right now. One minute your all about the kids and sucking it up for them, the next minute you have a great life planned out for the three of them and now you want to stroll down memory lane.

True, I didnt realize the extent of her existing hatred then. I thought we were more of on edge roommates. Didn't know I was subhuman. If this stuff is communicated over facebook, what could my kids overhear in person around Ws friends?

This also lets me know what I thought was fun, good days together was something else for her. What seemed like her jokes and teases maybe were small personal attacks. Who knows.

I am a proponent for the one last relationship talk but you’re not ready for it right now. You’re are not strong enough to say this isn’t working for you and communicating your expectations of what you want out of marriage and then walking if she won’t work towards meeting those expectations.

You’re a beaten man right now and are in no position to come from a place of strength.

Beaten but not knocked out. I want to end this before round 12 before I do go down. I have a preplanned trip with her and her family tomorrow, going out on a boat with the kids. I've got an ill feeling about it but want to go to see kids first boat ride. I'm hoping im paranoid but it does feel like it could be a set up as its family members whom would side with her no question asked. I'm tired of not trusting, of knowing she could claim false allegations at any point. I will have audio recording the entire time unless it gets wet.

I have wanted to speak R with my H. But I am not ready, and I know if I attempted, it would not go well. I still want to stand and I am really trying to not read his mind

Glad you stopped by. I want to D more than stand at this point. If I have one last chat, I can say I tried it all.

Last Friday ( one week ago) til Monday, he was very nice, making mini convos. Tuesday morning, someone else took over and he returned to being blank stare- distant. He has been easy to deal with in the last few months. What changed? I.dont.know. I cannot read his mind. I can think he’s hurt and is depressed and a multitude of other excuses, but I really don’t know. What do I know? Me. I am not ready to give up, and a year ago, this was normal behavior. I have seen him lighten up and cycle through a few times since then. He is fighting his own battles.

I had cried to my IC when he went out with his friends, thinking of all of the lies he was possibly telling them. She asked why it mattered, since I know the truth. I had to really think about that. He’s lying. Oh well. I know the truth, and so does he.

I think they start to believe their false narratives after awhile. Heck W almost had me convinced early on that this was all my fault, that i hurt us all, that I need to move out. I was in the actual experiences and still gave credit to her words. I know what W is saying to friends and its just not right. She's like the villian from countless shows/movies...how does one not see that in themselves unless theyve a disorder. Is your H the type to talk about you to friends? I honestly only had two negative chats to friends before BD. I rarely talked about R stuff.

I will just keep standing until I decide I don’t want to or until I don’t need to, this isnt for the weak. Do what you need to do as in making a plan if things don’t go to a reconciliation. But if you can, GAL and don’t talk to her about R.

Now I'm no longer sure what I actually want to talk to her about. I really think I want to relieve my own guilt and D.