KC, this is classic, low self-esteem behavior. You've allowed yourself to be defined by how others perceive you, rather than knowing your own self worth. Childhood traumas usually are the underlying reasons for this. Alcoholic parents. Abusive fathers (either to a mother or the kids themselves). Sexual abuse by an adult.
My W struggled with the same for much of her life. And the behaviors you describe were exactly what she used to describe.
I can tell you that these things are NOT easily overcome by the victims themselves. It takes support groups. Therapy. A lot of self-awareness that doesn't come easily.
Of course, admission is the first step towards recovery. However, I'm afraid these charges, without the tools to really and truly overcome them, are still just an effort to get your husband back and that if that were to happen, or if down the line you end up with someone else, those old scars and wounds would resurface and the behaviors would return.
My dad's family all suffered from traumas related to my grandfather's alcoholism, abuse, and eventual suicide. His two surviving sisters continue to struggle with self-esteem issues due to it not being resolved. One puts her worth in living in houses that her and her husband cannot afford. The other suffers from delusions of grandeur. These are manifestations of their efforts to compensate. One thing common with them? They both now speak of their lives and upbringing in terms of perfection. And they refuse to seek help. IE denial.
Interesting - but I have no childhood trauma. Neither of my parents or immediate family or alcoholics... (at least not during my childhood) I don't feel a victim of anything.
Now I did mention early how I experienced as a child a serious injury my father sustained while riding a motorbike when I was a small child as influencing my interaction with my H on his motorbike. BUT, keep in mind it was years before my dad rode a motorbike again, however when he did I was in high school. It became the form of transportation that my dad would take me on the motorbike to summer school (yes, I was that nerd and took summer school on purpose!) or to band practice nightly. I was quite comfortable on the back of the bike with my dad - we always rode through town to do extra errands. So --- my fear was not the motorbike itself but my H not wanting to wear a helmet but that was his choice as a grown adult and I did not respect that.
But, seriously - I had a wonderful childhood. My parents were lower middle class and we had a beautiful home in a nice trendy neighborhood. My mom was overly involved as a den leader, girl scout leader, band parent ( my bff had parents that literally never even went to a parent teacher conference). I was a daddy's girl!!!! Both sacrificed so that I could have the best experiences - I traveled Europe for 30 days at 17yr old as part of a youth band group. I was able to to go college.
I will admit that I was painfully shy. I mean painfully shy!!!! Into my sophmore year at college I became more open and relaxed with a small group of friends who all admitted they thought I was the biggest snob because I was so quiet.
I took my lack of working at self improvement to be that I was too self centered??? That I was stuck on the idea of what it needed to be in my head rather than being flexible to what it really needed to develop to be??? I don't know if I am explaining that right.
I can see your point about that knowing something and putting something to use are two different things but I will argue that now that my eyes have been open to the simple mistakes I was making that left my H feeling unheard, disrespected and unloved that I have implemented big changes and have seen the results.
The other day S19 came to me with a solution to something. I had a better idea but rather than tell him what to do I just said okay to his idea. He came back short time later and stated he was instead going to do it X way (which was the idea I was going to tell him to do). I just smiled and told him that was a great solution. I let go of control. I was able to let him work it out himself and he was able to to come to the right decision in the end anyway.
I'm learning to let go of control. I'm focusing on validating how other people feel rather than defend my position. I'm aware that I bring defensiveness to the table and need to work on NOT doing that. I recognizing that my M ended because someone didn't feel respected. Its such irony because I can list 2pages of things I respect about my H but my actions are what mattered not my heart.
THIS IN NO WAY excuses what my H brought to the table ---- but I cannot focus on that because I cannot control or change that. I'm not trying to take on the failure of my M is because of all the things I didn't do but listing his faults or short comings or where he could be better seems pointless because they are not under my control.
And, I do freely admit that I'm still holding out hope for my M, but I recognize the changes I am making are for me to be a better person with all the people in my life. I'm still hoping for the best but better prepared for the worst.
