I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 19

[SteveLW]

I never looked inward. I took into account how the things I did were perceived by someone else. Never took a moment to see how I could have been different. How I could be different moving forward. Never took ownership of the things that caused pain in the relationship. Now, don't take that to mean I was indifferent or didn't feel I had fault but I don't think I understood anything about when you change yourself it can have profound affect on others.

also made very classic mistakes in my past - chased, pursued, begged. I did all kinds of PUSH behaviors until the door was not only closed but 10 dead bolts were put in place.
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KC, this is classic, low self-esteem behavior. You've allowed yourself to be defined by how others perceive you, rather than knowing your own self worth. Childhood traumas usually are the underlying reasons for this. Alcoholic parents. Abusive fathers (either to a mother or the kids themselves). Sexual abuse by an adult.

My W struggled with the same for much of her life. And the behaviors you describe were exactly what she used to describe.

I can tell you that these things are NOT easily overcome by the victims themselves. It takes support groups. Therapy. A lot of self-awareness that doesn't come easily.

Of course, admission is the first step towards recovery. However, I'm afraid these charges, without the tools to really and truly overcome them, are still just an effort to get your husband back and that if that were to happen, or if down the line you end up with someone else, those old scars and wounds would resurface and the behaviors would return.

My dad's family all suffered from traumas related to my grandfather's alcoholism, abuse, and eventual suicide. His two surviving sisters continue to struggle with self-esteem issues due to it not being resolved. One puts her worth in living in houses that her and her husband cannot afford. The other suffers from delusions of grandeur. These are manifestations of their efforts to compensate. One thing common with them? They both now speak of their lives and upbringing in terms of perfection. And they refuse to seek help. IE denial.

Anyway, I know I shared the above in passing before. Take this for what's it worth.

Peace KC. I pray you find the inner peace you seek.