So I have a little hope for the hairloss issue... For now I will continue taking AD's but if I"m honest I only tend to take them about 5 out of 7 days. I truly got a benefit from them in the first 2months but now I'm not so sure - I don't tend to notice much on the days I don't take them.

I am noticing on the days where I am lazy and allow more sugar in my diet - specifically sodas I get terrible abdominal discomfort.... need to get off my lazy bum and do better again with my diet!!!

Confession Time:

So in my lifetime I have had 4 other major long term relationships (ok well, the 4th one wasn't really that long and perhaps I shouldn't count it....) ANYWAY, I have never ever ever poured the work into myself as I have and am doing with my M. I never looked inward. I took into account how the things I did were perceived by someone else. Never took a moment to see how I could have been different. How I could be different moving forward. Never took ownership of the things that caused pain in the relationship. Now, don't take that to mean I was indifferent or didn't feel I had fault but I don't think I understood anything about when you change yourself it can have profound affect on others.

I also made very classic mistakes in my past - chased, pursued, begged. I did all kinds of PUSH behaviors until the door was not only closed but 10 dead bolts were put in place.

Now, have I called/texted when I didn't have to be doing so - yes... frown Have I said "you know this isn't what I want?" more than one - yes frown ((last time was 8 weeks ago))... So I've NOT been perfect... But, I have put more work into making sure that I am not text bombarding, email bombarding or call bombarding. I have been trying to focus on giving time and space. Focusing on not being a presence in his life at all --- there can be no feeling of loss if I'm available for a weekly text check in, there can be no mystery or curiosity, there can be no attraction rebuilt.

My male bff has commented on how much different I am. He can see the work I've put into myself AND I remind him I'm only getting started. That I have more things to work on to truly "get it". One of the biggest compliments I get from him ---- "if his wife had done the work that I'm doing they would still be married". His wife had a lot of personal issues/demons that she was not dealing with - had she taken the responsibility he would have reconciled. Sadly she lost her life and my male bff continues to mourn her loss.

So I ask myself "why now? why change now?" --- I think someone else asked that of me too... lol. Because I realize living life like its my way or hit the hiway is a terrible way to live. AND, to quote someone else again - a life lived in fear in no life worth living. I understand and accept that I have the ability to grow and be a better person. Understanding the reason behind an emotion has helped me greatly. I always felt anger was a personal attack that you're not good enough or some type of contempt but when I see its true source - deep pain... and the understanding that the greatest risk to a M is unresolved anger (pain)... it all makes sense.

^^^ That is what I want to change. Why now? - Because I didn't have the tools to see how hard and desperate things were. Why change now? - Because I don't want to continue in anger and pain. And, if anything can make things better - its this. I can be better. I have let myself down but I am capable of better.