Trying to Detach

[may22]

Hi Scout, I know it maybe doesn't come through here but I am waaaaay better at not engaging in these conversations. What used to be long emotional dumps on me are now more like informational blips of information. Generally tbh I would prefer to know the factual stuff-- he talked to her or not, what he said, etc-- I just don't want to hear about his feelings for her. I don't give a $hit about her being sad and he knows that... he said that about her being sad, I looked at him, he said "I know you don't care" I rolled my eyes. So, although I'm not telling him to f off as soon as he opens his mouth, I definitely feel much stronger and more in control in these conversations as they're happening, and they are very truncated compared to before. So, some progress though I realize I'm not to the point where say Alison is in terms of her H. I have a long ways to go. But I still have also come a long ways from where I was.

Also, I know last time around I was in my heart more excited and hopeful when he said he was breaking it off with her and to trust him to do it his own way, blah blah blah. Even if I was trying to act detached and all that. I am definitely much further along on the detachment path this time around than I was last time. SO, again, I'm not 100% there and telling him I'm too busy to talk because I'm creating my new life without him. But, I'm not gooey inside either.

And.... he's not the prize. I know this. He has a lot of faults, beyond the cheating. Many of the beefs I had with him all these years are much improved, now, though, so I guess that is a good thing no matter what, whether for the girls or for him, for me as a co-parent or for his next partner. He is far more invested in being a good father than he was before the A as well. I think I said during the spring/lockdown when he had broken it off with her the last time and I thought we were working on the MR that if I had never known about the A, I would have been thrilled as here was the H I had been waiting for all those years. Kind, thoughtful, funny, going out of his way to do nice things, taking on far more of the household responsibilities, supportive of my career, not really bothering me for sex. So I'm coming off of that experience too and it is hard for me to erase that and not have a little part of me think "maybe this is a relapse and not a collapse" in my head, the extinction burst before he recommits. IDK. But that is there. And he is the father of my children and will always be that. I guess this is something I need to work on with my IC, why I'm willing to put up with this, why I want to try with him even in the face of all the evidence that shows he's not a committed partner on the other side.

I do think that the winning might be a buried motivator for me, one I'm not really proud of, but is there. I've been very, very fortunate in my life and I can't really point to much, if anything, that I really wanted and didn't get. Rejection is not something that sits well with me. So I am a little worried that I'm willing to mark time here long enough for her to be out of the picture just because I am motivated by not wanting that-- him swanning around with her-- vs motivated by wanting him to stay. All things I need to think through.

Alison, if I have a plan of action it is to give myself some time to figure out what it is that I want, sit with these new feelings and knowledge of my own manipulative behaviors and motivations and listen to them. I know that doesn't sound very actionable. You're probably right that I've created a trap for myself. I'm trying to mentally detach myself from the drama side and focus on me. And I do feel like I've made progress here, even if not a ton.

Scout, where am I in terms of wanting him to stay or go? I'd like to say 50-50-- I'm building paths in both directions that make sense to me. But to be candid with you guys and myself, it is probably more like 60-40 wanting him to stay. Maybe 70-30, even. Again, not sure what all motivates that-- how much of it is what *I* want vs what I think is best for my children or trying to avoid what I *don't* want. I think at least I'm being more honest with myself, right now, and spending time dealing with my anger rather than push it down. I think my anger is driving the I don't want him to ride off into the sunset with her feelings.

Alison, why can't I simply not engage at all? I don't know. I am not programmed that way. I can hold it for a few days, maybe a week, and then I just don't have the motivation any more. That being said, I am giving it way less O2 than I was a couple of weeks ago, definitely waaaay less than I did back in the fall. So, there's that.

The update I have now is that the "we can plan our trip" meant "AP has blocked me on WhatsApp and Instagram" and assuming, but he hasn't tried, text/phone/email. (Apparently when you block someone on WhatsApp their contact disappears.) He's depressed, feels like a friend has died. He wanted to come to talk to me about it. I said I'm not the right person to process this with you-- you should try your IC. So he got an extra session with her and is talking to her right now. I did tell him that her blocking him really isn't enough for me to want to reengage with him. And I know know know he is nowhere close to being in a mental state to actually want to reengage with me, if he ever is. And just because she blocked him yesterday means absolutely nothing about what happens tomorrow or a month from now or a year from now. (Though I do get a petty enjoyable little snicker out of a week ago her telling him "I'll wait for you forever" and then a week later guess that wasn't the case, was it. See, not sure how much of my motivation is here vs. really wanting him. Someone took my toy. It was MINE and I want it back, thank you very much... I know he thinks this about me. I don't think that is a large percentage of my motivation, but I also don't think it is zero percent.)

Anyway. So nothing has really changed. He feels very sorry for himself. He isn't taking responsibility for his actions. He is telling himself he's giving up this big thing and his chance at spending his life with someone who truly loves him and only wants to make him happy for the children because I would selfishly make his life and the children's lives miserable if he left me. All reasons I should kick his cheating, lying, @ss to the curb. And yet. I'm just not there.