Finding and living compassionate indifference

[cardinal]

I thought I would post here what I wrote on Bttrfly’s thread, because it did make me think about what is helping me right now and why.

Hi, bttrfly. I'm thinking of you and your son, and I hope your time spent in meditation and prayer has been helpful.

From what you posted in my thread, it sounds like the coop is coming along nicely. With the French doors and the patterned floor, it sounds like it's going to beautiful! Way to go on laying the linoleum. This made me smile:

Their favorite music is big band. My friend J says they are "Swing Chickens" --- favorite song that they actually dance to is Bette MIdler's version of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.

I've had chickens on my mind the last few days because one of ours has had laying issues. I may post a bit about it. I have to say they are often a calming presence for me when I'm working in the garden, but over the years as my H
seemed less and less interested in their care (they were his idea originally), they have become a source of stress too, as they're getting older and having more health issues and have always had some trouble in the heatwaves here during the summers. It's a fact of life: animals get older, they get sick, and they die just like people do, but I am very fond of them, and sometimes it's hard to feel like I'm carrying all of this love and worry on my own. We hatched them several years ago, and I spent hours outside with them when they were chicks. It was a great experience.

Really Card, what I'm working on these days is getting more grounded. I'm doing that by stepping away from social media (including here), and working the land. For me that means making flower essences of various plants on property, re-locating plants to different areas, making a labyrinth, and most importantly taking the perspective of being a Steward of the land I live on rather than an owner. It's a different mindset.

The creatures who live here are under my protection as much as the plants, trees, rocks and people. That brings me peace. That keeps me focused on the here and now, and gives me strength. I say this because I think, from what little I've read on your threads, that you will relate to this, and maybe find it helpful. As an herbalist, third generation at least, I have a different perspective than most, but this is what is currently working for me.

This is helpful to read. I know I feel the most peace when I am outside caring for plants or, yes, moving plants, putting new plants into the ground. It is incredibly grounding for me and is the closest I get to meditation, closer even then when I am actively trying to meditate right now! Ha. We have many feral cats in our neighborhood, and I spent some time TNRing several of them (trap/neuter/return) a couple of years ago. One in particular, a mother who had kittens in our yard, was especially hard to catch—it took me over a year, but she now spends most of her time in the yard with me, and I am so grateful I can provide this little protected place for her.

All of this is to say I don't think I realized how grounding all of this was/is for me until I read your words. I know it's one of the main reasons I would like to continue living in this house—I don't want to leave these creatures under someone else's care, or have them find that it's suddenly a place where they are no longer welcome.

So, yes, over the last few days one of our older chickens wasn't able to pass the shell of an egg that didn't fully form and could have died. Maybe this is TMI if you don't have chickens (!), but H was around and was able to pull the shell out while I held her, which is what needed to happen. Hopefully she'll make a full recovery. It was really a two person job, so I'm grateful H was able to help. He used to love hanging out with the chickens, but has been very hands off for a few years now, moreso, of course, in the last year, and so I am always the one to spot when one of them is "off" and diagnose and care for them, plus do the normal care of feeding and cleaning the coop, that kind of thing. When we first got chickens years and years ago, I was indifferent to the idea and H really wanted them. Now I've become pretty attached to them.

This experience has brought back last summer's memories of my having to euthanize our favorite chicken on my own (I mean, the vet did the euthanizing, not me, but you get the idea), because H couldn't make it. He was bowling with new friends when I called to tell him it would have to be done, and didn't pick up the phone at first. Then on the day of the vet visit, he couldn't make it for whatever reason. This was a month or so after BD, and he showed little emotion before or after her death, and I was distraught. He did help bury her, and that's when he broke down, just during that short time. I've seen so little emotion from him since BD, so it was cathartic for me, though I felt sad that he wasn't able to be there more for our chicken while she was still alive that week.

I think I just try to not think about this or ignore it most of the time, but it does still get to me that he can mute any emotions he might have. It feels like I am living with someone who is numb, while I feel all the feelings even when I'd rather not. I know this numbness also goes along with depression sometimes, and maybe part of it is compartmentalization and maybe part of it is depression. I can't know. I had waves of sadness again this week. I woke up one night and felt that, though it's not ideal living with him as a roommate, and there are things I look forward to doing on my own in the house, I don't really want my H to be gone for good. This current version of him, well, that's a little different, but even that...I just felt a lot of sadness about it, then was not okay with the fact that I still have all of this sadness and reluctance in me. Like most of the time when I don't feel it, I think--maybe it's gone! I'm not loving that it can just resurface. I realized I had this expectation that it would go away completely. When someone dies, though, that grief never fully leaves, does it? It just changes shape and maybe sharpness.

It may be too hot to bake this weekend. Then again, that probably won't stop me.