I wonder if any of us who have gone through the trauma of infidelity on the LBS side can ever recapture that innocence/trust/blind faith that your S will always be there no matter what in any new M, either with a new S or through R with your WAS. Is it even possible to ever go back to 100% blind trust even with a new partner? And/or, is that not really something we should strive for anyway-- there is value in not taking our partners for granted and always working to be the best ourselves we can be?
Interested to know what people think, either those who have Red or who have moved on to new relationships with new partners.
M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
100% blind trust? I don't think a S should have that even in a MR where there was never an indiscretion. Blind signifies not being able to see if and when there are red flags. And we certainly see that with LBSs that come here convinced in their own mind that their WAS is not cheating. 100% trust I think is possible. But not blind. The minute we see something that makes us go "Hmmmm" we should be open to admitting to what we are seeing.
But can you go back to trusting a S, whether it is the cheating WAS or another S? I think so. As we like to say, consistent behavior over a long period of time can engender that trust once again. And certainly a new S that has never cheated can certainly be trusted unless and until they prove that they cannot be trusted.
Maybe you are asking about naivete? And again, I go back to the 100% blind trust. Being naive, or blindly trusting opens the door for indiscretion.
When I worked in retail they used to say: "15% of people will never steal no matter what. 15% will always steal no matter what. But the other 70% of people will steal if given the right opportunity or think they can get away with it." I think a similar thing can be said of married people. Will someone cheat if they think they will not get caught? The majority unfortunately probably would.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Will someone cheat if they think they will not get caught? The majority unfortunately probably would.
I agree. People just dont want it to be them that was cheated on, so they bury their head in the sand.. Cheating is a game for some. Until they get caught.
Just wanted to stop by and say thank you Steve. Thank you for this thread, thank you for posting on my thread and thank you for everything you contribute to this forum!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Steve85, you have been through so much, and we can NOT thank you enough.. Sometimes, someone elses story helps us understand our own. You have helped immensely. Thnx
neffer, my friend, good to see you. Thanks, agree 100% with you. I just have to keep pulling up my big boy pants and soldiering on! Feelings come and go. Not overreacting to them is one of the most important things a LBS can do in these situations.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think you hit a huge point in regards to blind trust.
Trust is something that we build because of actions and experiences with another person, not something that we give out despite any red flags or indiscretions that we see along the way. I think maybe I had a little too much blind trust in my own sitch.
As always thanks for all the wisdom and for giving us newbies some things to reflect on and give some thought too.
Hope you're doing good. Keep on keeping on. As Neffer said YOU have definitley got the knowledge and the tools.
