hi all! Sandi thanks a lot for your words. Let me first ask for help on a new matter and then provide an update about how I am doing.
I don't give advice about financial issues, like how much alimony or child support, etc. I say to be fair, and that's all. No matter how much you increase the amount you pay her, it will not change her feelings about you. She has a heart issue! You saw how she would not accept that you've changed as a man. So, do what you see as financially fair, but don't do it to try and win her.
Pack, are you really listening to what everyone is saying? What is the one piece of advice everyone has in common? STOP TALKING TO YOUR W! At this point, it's business. You and your W should not be discussing the divorce settlement with each other. Your lawyer and her lawyer..........not you and her. Your lawyer will not be influenced by your W's sharp tongue. On the other hand, your feelings are crushed when you try to have a conversation with her. You will not win her back through relationship talk. Stop thinking the next relationship talk will go better. It won't. She is out for blood, b/c she is filled with hate, anger, & spite.
To think outside of the box is to stop your old one-style thought patterns. Change your mindset. Stop thinking you will do something to win her back. That was your original plan and your mindset was so strong it caused you to continually go down cheeseless tunnels. This type thinking has crippled you from really detaching, b/c you thought talking about the relationship with her was the way to work out the reconciliation. You thought you could verbally convince her you had changed. You couldn't. Stop repeating actions that are not successful. Your thinking has been so tightly boxed in this one way that I have not been able to break through and convince you to stop going down these cheeseless tunnels. Let me say it this way. Your actions seem to say that you don't believe the advice we give. IMHO, you saw only one way of reconciling with your estranged W..........which was to improve yourself enough to impress her to give the M another chance. In order to show her "your 180's" you thought you had to talk with her. No matter how I tried to tell you to change this type of thinking about 180's, you continued. It seemed everything you did was from the viewpoint of "winning" her back. Maybe that makes sense to the nature of a LBH, but it doesn't last. No point in me continuing on this soapbox.
Both of you repeat unsuccessful actions. She calls you wanting to talk, and she says the same old stuff each time. She appears to be on a mission to punish you badly, so my advice is to have no verbal contact with her. I told you to stop trying to save your marriage, b/c I thought maybe your mindset would change.....thus your actions would change. Then, you go back and have a three hour conversation where she tears you apart again.
I'm going to say this again. I think it will take you completely dropping the emotional rope you have around her and moving on with your life, before she'll change her mind......if ever. She has to believe she has lost you forever, and the only way I think it will happen is for you to really let go of the idea of reconciling. Otherwise, your emotions will allow you to get pulled into her verbal bashing sessions.......which sets everything back to square one again.
She has to believe she put you back on the market for single women. She had many chances, and she threw them away. Until a W feels the H is over and done with her.......her angry, selfish heart will not change for the better. She'll continue through life with bitterness burning in her soul. So, unfortunately, it will probably mean going through the divorce and her having years to experience life without you, before her heart softens......if it ever does. There are no guarantees.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
