Trying to Detach

[may22]

Thanks Scout, Alison.

I'm not ready to bring Ls into it. In my state, a legal separation is the same amount of work and cost and process as a D decree, and then it only lasts for two years. You either pursue D within those two years (same process and cost again) or if you let the two years lapse, you're still M and the separation agreement is no longer valid. Neither L recommended it-- it seems to be either you go ahead with full on D or not. The S agreement just doubles the work and the cost. A post-nup agreement, though, could just be signed by the two of us and notarized. Both Ls recommended that H have an attorney review the post-nup before he signs it, as if it is perceived to be too much in my favor he could argue that he was duped into signing it without a L, but I'm not sure I'm ready to escalate this all to the point of having his L talk to my L and how much that is all going to cost.

However, I'm glad I've done my research and I know what I'd want to propose. I think there might be value in writing it up in the form of an agreement so that I have gone through that process and have it written up. I have also downloaded all the D forms and filled most of them out, gotten copies of financial docs, etc. so that when it is time I can be as prepared as possible and keep the L fees down. But I'm not there yet. (I mean, I should at least be able to tell him to GTFO of the house before I call in the attorneys, right?!?? And I still can't even do that!!)

So far, I've been pretty noncommittal when he's said things to me about breaking it off or whatever. I did say to him today, so should we cancel our trip? He said NO! I'm not in contact with her. Why would we cancel? I said, haha, that isn't good enough. If we're going to do this, we are going to do it differently this time. He asked me what I suggested. I said I wasn't going to lay it all out for him. But I have in the past so he knows (deleting all contact info, social follows, blocking numbers, etc.). It isn't worth saying again. I agree that it just makes him feel like he has two women fighting over him. it is very teenage romance. He is SO MOPEY and over-the-top, very clearly wanting some attention about how sad and depressed he is. (You are right, Alison. This is not attractive behavior.)

Later, he came to sit in my office to say he's scared of three things. He's scared I only want him to "win" in some fashion. He's scared I'm doing this too much for the kids and not because of us. He's scared that I won't forgive him and/or will realize I can never trust him again and ditch him in a year and he'll be all alone. I said, I've been thinking about all those things too. He said, I think I have never given us a chance and in order to do that I have to give her up forever. I said, yeah. (OMG the other totally annoying thing is that he feels so guilty about her, she is so sad and lost without him. It is all I can do to not make a face. It is soooooo playing to his ego to feel like her heart is broken forever. Meanwhile I'm looking at him as he says this with I KNOW written all over my face REALLY?!??. Give me an f-ing break. He got all defensive, she doesn't know what to do. I said, she's 34. She'll be fine. She never has to see you again. He said, you had a BABY at 34. That isn't so young. I just rolled my eyes. She's a big girl. She chose to get into a two year long distance affair with a married man. Surprise! it didn't work out! I didn't say this out loud though.

I do think I've made some improvements, definitely, in holding to my boundaries. I don't feel sorry for him and I know that comes across clearly. I am continuing to detach. His histrionics aren't affecting me except for me to roll my eyes inwardly.

Why would I want him back? Assuming he makes that choice? I think it is because I do still hold out hope for what we could have, assuming we get past this. He said in the conversation about his fears-- if we D you'll find someone else. You'll probably be happier. I said, I don't doubt that. But here's the thing (though I didn't say this to him)-- no-one else could ever be the full package, because they wouldn't be the father of my children. I'd always have that regret AND plus would have to share them with him forever.

Anyway. I'm not holding my breath on any of this. Continuing to look at puppies, plan for the positives of being on my own, think about what I want to do about the trip. (Alison, I'm just to the part in your thread where you got your puppy. Sounds like so much fun.) He said tonight "let's plan the trip." which I think was supposed to be code for "I've made up my mind." Again. I said nothing. Then he said, I'm really depressed. I said, sorry. Then we ate dinner and had a fun night with the kids without really interacting much between the two of us.