One, I agree with LH-- I think they partially act like a-holes because they feel uncomfortable with the friendliness/kindness-- maybe not so much in the moment but in retrospect, and so they push you away and try to get you to be a b*ch back and justify their assumptions and behavior. I did have some sessions in the past with a DB coach who also said that WAHs are terrified to give their wives hope, and so that could be another explanation for his behavior. Don't let yourself get drawn in.
And, I agree with Scout and LH also-- you don't need to listen to verbal abuse. Walk away and ignore it. "I hear you are upset right now. I'm going to give you some space." Alison is terrific at boundaries for this kind of thing-- I know you follow her threads and her advice on mine, and she has some great lines for shutting this garbage down.
Finally, from a pure behavior modification standpoint, simply don't reinforce him with attention when he's being a jerk, and do reinforce him when he's being nice. Reinforcement might mean eye contact, smiling, engaging to a certain degree, listening, being present. When he's being a jerk, disengage, don't smile, ignore his behavior to the best of your ability. It might mean removing yourself from the situation. Don't engage by getting in a fight either-- negative attention is still attention. He doesn't have the right to spew on you.
xoxo M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
