Riding the Wave 3

[wayfarer]

Thanks Core and Cardinal

May thank you for all your kind words. You always have a way of making me think and making me feel sure in my convictions.

I know we aren't supposed to mindread but holy cr@p, can you imagine being in his shoes? Knowing what he did and that you're still there, knowing that your friends know all, taking a deep breath and diving in and being friendly and putting it out there when he could have just as easily faked a headache and stayed home scared. I think these are all good signs. Even if he isn't crawling back on his hands and knees, he is saying to you that you matter, he's willing to sVck it up and be present and be kind and be your H in these situations even though it has got to be super uncomfortable for him.

I did think about that. With bff and her H it's a little less daunting. My H was friends with them first. He's known bff's H since high school and then bff since their early, early 20s when bff and her H started dating. Bff and I didn't meet until she was 24 and I was 26. So for him I think they were always the safest bet. This weekend we have a drive through/appointment only bday to attend. It's maid of honor's H's bday. My H is planning on coming with me. And those are "my friends" so we'll see. But I do see how big of a leap that was for him. And I've been there. I really do wish I could tell him how much I can see that he's trying here. But I don't want to seem pushy. And I don't want to start any conversation where I'm not sure that the outcome would be an outcome I can sleep at night after.

I've been so frustrated about the fact that the COVID lockdown had actually been so positive for us. He mentioned it a ton throughout and then has brought it up multiple times post last-BD that it was so positive for us to have had this experience, regardless of what happens, we have had this time of closeness and fun and being supportive and there for each other. (We just didn't fall back crazily in love and have long LM sessions staring into each others' eyes, which it sounds like he was waiting for.)

I kinda knew going in we were going to either tear each other apart or come closer together. There was going to be no in between given it had only been a couple of weeks after the break up that we were put in lock down together. Like you I'm grateful for this time for the girl's sake if nothing else. And all the amazing lock down whoopee. Also the LM with the staring into each other's eyes thing stresses me out and I need your H to explain that for me...lol. Reason being from the first time H and I started sleeping together again he's had this really weird thing about eye contact. Like it's way too much. Especially when I know he's going to get up and leave to sleep on the couch. I don't understand that at all. LIke I'm naked isn't that enough vulnerability. Do you really need to try to see if you can see into my soul at the same time?

One of the reasons I love you and love coming to your thread is this-- you can see so clearly both the good and the bad. I have such a hard time aligning both views of my H. I really respect and admire your ability to do that.

It's the crappy childhood and years and years working in courts. I know it goes against a lot of the grain around here but I'm sorry people aren't the sum of their actions. They just aren't. People in crisis, people who lack emotional maturity, people who lived most of their lives in survival mode just don't function on a higher plane of understanding. I'm a strong believer in meeting people where they are. I'm a strong believer of good people can do horrible things, hurt people, destroy lives, and not realize until after the fact how any of that transpired or their role in that. I had to grow up knowing that just because some one loves me doesn't mean they always have my best interests at heart. That some people just don't know how to love the way I do. And that's ok if I'm careful about how much I let myself love them. We're all light and dark. I'm not a saint because my sins are smaller. And he isn't the devil just because his transgressions were big.

I remember a long time ago you pushed back on the "PA? Why haven't you filed yet?? Don't you respect yourself??" questions win such a wise and thoughtful way... that PA = D as a knee-jerk reaction was no different from begging and pleading, just in the other direction; that if all LBSs felt that way there would be a lot less of us on the boards; that you had taken a clear-eyed look at the girls and what was best for them and it wasn't kicking him out right away. I just was overcome with admiration. I soooooo wish we knew each other IRL. I too want more than anything to know, in my heart of hearts, that I gave this 100%. I just don't want on the other end of this to have any question that I gave up on us.

One of the things around here is about knowing your core values. And frankly I know mine don't line up with a lot of people around here, but my core, who I am is a mother. I've always been. And my girls no matter what were coming first. My ego will always take a back seat to what's in their best interest. And I really wish I knew you IRL too. The kindred spirits on here honestly have kept me going as long as I have.

Do you still have that one-year timeline ticking away in your head?

Yes and no. The 1 year thing was really if he left and made no movement toward divorce or anything else permanent. And then when he changed course it was more ok well I'll give him until early November to make up his damn mind but I'm sure he'll move out in summer. Well now it's nearly mid-July. I'm getting morning texts thanking me for sandwiches and sex, and telling me how excited he is for our like hiking day trip we've planned this weekend. Since he's so tight lipped about what's going on in his head I will at some point here have to just break down and say something if he can't get to it on his own. But the 1 year thing is kinda out the window. If he can't bring himself in the bed until September and doesn't put his ring back on until October and won't even attempt MC until November so be it. I have no where else to be.


Sage, my god, you are always so insightful.

WF, you amazing soul you. I had a darling friend in my 20's who had been in foster care since he was 3. Abused, dismissed, abandoned and treated like the scourge of the earth since his earliest memories. And he was the most loving, patient, joyful, appreciative, old-soul human beings I have ever met in my life. His wisdom eclipsed his upbringing and it was an absolute marvel to be in his company. You may or may not have had the same experiences as my friend, but your wisdom and old-soul nature is the same. And my admiration of you both is the same.

I doubt my childhood was as rough as his. But I worked with kids like him for a very long time in court. And there's really only a few kinds of ways you can come out of a constant state of crisis and being in survival mode 24/7. Being able to meet people where they are, having an enormous amount of patience, and loving deeply is the best case scenario. And as I've told other people those good attributes come with ugly sides. It isn't all roses. I've worked thought a lot but when my c-PTSD rears it's ugly head I don't know if all that good heart stuff is worth it.

My question is this: what keeps you keeping on? Is it your commitment to your children? Is it your love for H? Is it the small steps he takes in the (and/or your) right direction? Is it your history with H? You intuition? Or are there other motives that make you step back and keep being compassionate and empathetic towards yourself, your M and your H? You seem to be the queen of the 30,000' view of life.

On the woowoo side ever hear of twin flames? H and I, that's who we are. It's who we've always been. I truly believe that everything that pushed us together, pulled us apart, and is pushing us back into place is exactly as it should be. The A was a huge catalyst in me moving on with my life. My life was at a stand still while my mother was sick, and then dying, and then gone. My depression took over everything. I had completely lost myself. I needed time to focus on me with zero hindrance of a MR in order to get myself back on track. No it isn't the way I would've wanted things to be to get back on track, but I needed a jolt. And this was it. On the logical side, we are what both of our girls know as stability and I won't let that slip away without a fight. They can't rely on their other parents. I desperately want to keep a space in this world that they see as home. And if it's me on my own at some point ok, but I'm not going to at least try to hold this together by myself as long as I can. On to the heart of the matter vs the head, I love H with my whole being. Even at his worst I loved him. I will love that man until the day I die. I don't feel like I'm losing time keeping on this path. I wouldn't be able to move on until my heart was done any way. Other factors include, he's the most helpful around the house he's ever been. We talk more about money now than we ever did. The sex life we have now is the one I was begging for for years. I have such a high drive there were points in our relationship and MR where we had gone weeks and months and I'd cry myself to sleep because I was convinced it was me. Part of me still kind of thinks it is. But right now H is the H I was fighting for years. Minus you know the refusal to say I love you, or sleeping next to me at night or cuddling on the couch when the kids are around. He does keep inching along here. Is it as quickly as I would've liked? God, no. But this whole thing is an exercise in patience and control. Exercises I desperately needed in this life. So if I have to keep moving along at his pace I'm ok with it. The foundation we're built on is a really really good one. And I can keep this burned, broken palace standing on my own for a little while longer, so I do. And if it gets to heavy and he's still not there to help me fix it up, then I'll walk away. I'm unafraid of what my life is without him in it. I think that helps too. I know what that looks like and it's a peaceful quiet place too. So for me I think it's most about letting things just unfold as they should.