Trying to Detach

[may22]

He told me today he spoke to her this morning and told her he wants to cut it off and work on the M. That he hasn't decided 100% but is close to 100%. He told her his fear is that we'll try and it won't work, in six months or a year I'll decide I don't want his sad a$$ anymore and then he'll have lost everything. He told her he thinks its a 50-50 chance that that happens. (Funny, because he's told *me* that he thinks the chances of us working out is much smaller than that. But I said nothing.) Apparently she was like why would you take that chance? I was v confused and asked for clarification... because you know that it is 100% likely you'll be happy with her? He said, yes. I said well then WHY AREN'T YOU JUST CHOOSING THAT? He doesn't know. He's a mess. He left it at he doesn't know if he'll ever speak to her again and is all freaked out. I walked away to go get on a zoom call. I'm just rolling my eyeballs at this point.

WF, the rage. I'm scared of the rage inside of me. Truly. So no, I haven't let it out. I might see if we have a rage room in my city or maybe just figure out some $hit to break and break it or get a punching bag as Scout suggested. I have written out some pretty horrible things I'd like to say in my journal which does feel good in the meantime.

Also, glad I could provide some comic relief The staring into each other's eyes was something our MC made us do a couple of times, which actually made me cry like crazy. And I feel like the truths thing comes from AP maybe. It isn't really him. He's on this "I need to honor my authentic self" "these are my truths" kick that I'm confident comes from AP and their "radical transparency." VOMIT.

Alison, I did say I wanted to go on the trip *if* I felt confident that things were totally over with her forever. I said I didn't want to dictate what that looked like but things would have to be different this time in order for me to feel comfortable, including mechanisms put into place that she couldn't throw bombs at us down the line like she did this last time. Then we didn't really speak of it again until yesterday when I was like... the trip is like two weeks away and I don't see any progress here so.... I do think he is being manipulative in terms of putting the trip back on and getting me back in the place where he's more comfortable (ie not proceeding as though we are Sing). But, I did say I wanted to go on this trip under certain conditions. It will be up to me to pull the plug as it isn't looking like my conditions as I'd set them out have any likelihood of being met, which is what i'm working on right now, what that looks like, etc.

Another question-- I'm thinking of drafting up a written agreement proposing what I would be asking for in terms of financial and child custody stuff and sitting down with him to review it. What do you guys think? If we got a post-nup in place, I'd feel a lot better about pursuing another job right now. Though figuring out how to do well at that job when I'm clearly not working all day but hanging out on these boards instead is going to be an issue