I wrote the below on your thread. I thought I'd copy it here in case you miss it.
I miss your cooking posts. They always remind me that it is not all about our H/Ws, sometimes it is about the simple pleasures that are the smell of freshly made bread, a warm blanket, and a cup of coffee (or gin).
I hope you are well my friend.
Yes, the general malaise as opposed to focused malaise. Lockdown I think, has been particular hard on those of us who are on our own. I see and hear my kids and my ex continue to engage (initially via facetime and now, that lockdown is easing, face to face) with his wider family, I see the excitement on their faces when they discuss what the wider family is doing, and it only compounds my feeling of being alone.
They are going to his mums tomorrow evening for my niece's birthday (7). It is a harry potter themed camp out and D13 has been excitedly planning biscuits and cakes and both my girls have both been making hand made harry potter cards for her. I feign excitement as D10 shows me the things she's made and all the fun things they are planning they are planning to do, but I am not a part of it, not a part of the family that I had replaced my own with (I am estranged through combination of distance and choice) for so many years. I wonder, in my quieter moments, if his new girlfriend will be there. I do not think so, but I do not know. The girls have not told me yet that they met her. I have decided to let them process, and tell me, should they wish to do so, in their own time.
Things are moving along at a glacial pace. We have had some boundary setting moments, which always ends with him storming off in a huff, but he cools of, and after, over message, generally agrees with the boundary. The first was his declaration that I had to give him first option when it came to babysitting the children and he had to approve all babysitters (the babysitter in question was his mum, and I had asked her to watch the children over night because I needed to go to work early the next day). I responded fine, but it worked both ways, he would need to inform me when his mum watched the children for him also. He huffed ("She's MY mum!!!") and then stormed off. He later sent me a text saying "Ok, I'll let you know when I have asked mum to watch the girls"). The other was his habit of arriving late for pick ups or dropping the children late ("but it's not like YOUR going anywhere !!!", and then later "OK, I will message you when I am running late"). No discussion about the house, the separation or the girlfriend.
I have officially 'ghosted' the man I went on a date with two weeks ago. I know it's bad form, but I do not have the heart to tell him there was no spark. I have agreed to meet someone on Saturday (coffee and stroll in the park). I am not too optimistic, but I thought it is only a walk in the park.
On other fronts, I reached out to my childhood best friend. I haven't spoken to her in 13 years. Distance and children led to a natural drifting apart. We moved back into the same rhythm as we did when we were kids - some difficult topics (my separation, her affair, her discovering that someone close to us had been sexually abused all her childhood) to simple topics (childhood boyfriends and general gossip) . It was lovely.
I also reached out to my mother - there was some awkwardness, but otherwise it was pleasant. It was obvious she missed me an wants to stay in my life. I can't remember how much of my childhood I shared here, but it was tough and I left it more or less behind when I moved countries. I guess I need to forgive her for her part in making it tough. She was doing the best she could.
