She is concerned that the affair or things around it are starting to be normalized for me, even things like saying her name (for the longest time I never said her name, just that person or another person. I have said her name in conversation with H and with IC recently).
Hey you know that Beyonce song 'Sorry'? How about the line so and so "with the good hair"? Let's just say Beyonce and I have more in common than I thought. And you better believe I'm singing that line every chance I get. May, I want you to look at this from a different perspective than IC says. And maybe you can give a little push back on her if you feel like this makes sense to you. Saying her name isn't normalization. It's like being Harry Potter and being willing to say Voldemort. A name only has power if you give it power. IMHO you saying her name now is taking back some of that power you let her have over you.
Originally Posted by may22
I'm confident if she lived here I would have found out about it a lot sooner and if he was sneaking around with her in real time I would have had a lot harder time with that--imagining that in the future is really hard for me-- so somehow the distance made it seem less real to me and kept me from getting as enraged as I might have otherwise.
You're smart. You would've found out much sooner just like I did. I knew what was up in weeks. And yeah you do have to confront your rage head on when it's in your lap. In front of your face. In front of your children. When acquaintances are texting and sending pics to you at 2am asking you who's the wh**e hanging all over your husband at the club, at the bar, at a restaurant you've been dying to try. You have to breath fire. And then decide if you're going to live in that or not. I wasn't ever a beggar or a pleader. That's not really in my wheel house. But I did rage. Full blown had to have bff talk me out of more than one illegal act, rage. You have been kind of bubbling up under the surface for as long as I've been around you on here and I wonder if you've taken and time to truly be enraged about all this with or without AP here. I'm not saying taking a baseball bat to H's car which I came very very close to, full disclosure. More than once if I'm going to be honest here. But taken the time to scream and throw things and cry or punch or break stuff. Have you had any outlet in this time to funnel all that anger bubbling under the surface? Or do you just try to quell the beast?
Originally Posted by may22
He told me today he wants to try staring into each other's eyes for four minutes and then each of us telling the other their 100% truth, where they are, how they feel, what they want, etc without the other person interrupting or reacting at all. I thought about it and said I didn't want to do that right now, unless he could keep AP out of the conversation. but I wasn't interested in hearing anything about her. He didn't say anything in response.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, omg I'm so sorry. I laughed for like 2 whole minutes. Is he for real with this? If my H walked up to me and said that the first thing out of my mouth would be GTFOH. I can't with this. Girl, I have crystals, and candles, I was heavily in to Iyengar yoga for years. I was a massage therapist many many moons ago, but seriously? 4 minutes staring at each other. Staring at each other and telling "their truth." I can't, I just can't. This is too much even for me.
Originally Posted by may22
Scout, Cardinal... thanks on the job. It's hard. I'll see what it all looks like when she sends me what she's thinking. It is really very flattering-- they're putting this job together for me -- but there also isn't really a rush as it isn't a position right now. I could probably string it out for awhile-- I asked her timing and she said she couldn't wait two years but she could wait. So maybe it could still be a possibility.
I know what your executive coach said. But I'm with Allison's thought process on this. If you're being offered opportunities to become financial independent and afford that house on your own, make those moves, no fear. There is an argument here for your attorney that you now make more because you had to because he's a cheater and couldn't make up his mind. There's not a huge chance even with 50/50 that you're going to have to pay out alimony with an income increase shortly before filing. Just as an FYI.
