[SteveLW]

At the beginning of this year the counselor pushed her to make a decision and she decided divorce and we began the process, but Covid stopped it.

Scott a couple of things. First this upsets me. This is why we say be careful with traditional MC. A good counselor would know that if you pressure a WAS they will 99 out of 100, pick D. This is why we say no R discussions. No pressure and no pursuit. Think of a WAS as being on the edge of a cliff, the fall being D, and if you push them they will fall right over the edge.

However, I do need to challenge your stance on detaching. You said "I know, the advice is that I haven't "detached" and I must do it immediately. Maybe I can't. Because detaching for me means giving up and moving on." That is not detaching....that is completely unplugging. Detachment is something you do emotionally, it is not something you do physically. Think of detachment as not reacting emotionally to anything she says or does. And Scott, as someone that has been through it, what a profound impact it can have on the WAS.

I remember, when my W came to me to ask me to help her with her resume. Remember, her plan was get a job, get an apartment and get a D. So her resume was the first step towards her ultimate goal of D. By then I was really starting to work on my detachment. So I pleasantly responded, "sure, I can help anyway you want." When she came to me a few minutes later and asked if it was okay if she bought some interviewing books (remember, she was a SAHM mom for 15+ years at that point, though she does have a bachelor degree). I again, pleasantly, in an upbeat way, and completely emotionally even said "yep, get whatever you need".

Scott, the next day, after she had spent hours at her desk updating her resume, she came out teary-eyed. And said she felt like she was doing the wrong thing. That she knew God hated D. Again, I remained emotionally level. I stayed pleasant and positive. I validated her feelings and told her she needed to do what she felt she needed to do.

I honestly believe that if I had reacted emotionally to her request for help on her resume and buying interview books, that she would have been emboldened. My emotional detachment conveyed the message that I was ok with moving on without her. It was had powerful impact on her.

So do not dismiss detachment and its power. Nor confuse it with giving up and pulling the plug. It doesn't have to mean the same thing.