Trying to Detach

[may22]

But I can't help but feel all the buck-passing and waiting that your H is inflicting on you - well, you are choosing it. There's literally nothing he can say or do or pull out of the bag in the next fortnight that is going to substantially change the truth about where you are in your marriage.

I know. I 100% know I am choosing this course right now by not doing anything decisive. I am putting myself through this simply by just still being here.

But. I guess it is because it seems to me the main alternative-- telling him to go and I want a D-- is not something I can do authentically, yet. What is far more important to me right now than the $hitty way I feel today is to be able to look back at this time and know, in my heart of hearts, that I did everything I could to save this M and protect my children. I know that in many cases the children are happier after because of the conflict and stress in the MR, etc. I'm not trying to blow smoke here but I know I am a really good mom and I can separate what is best for me from what is best for the children. I know those two things are connected, too-- there will be a tipping point where my parenting is affected by my own trauma-- but it hasn't happened yet. And the one thing that stops me cold, that breaks my voice when I try to talk about it, is the idea of being the one to inflict the S on the children. I just.... can't. Maybe I'll get to a place where I can. If I start to see myself erode or my ability to be present and a good parent be significantly affected, I'll need to reevaluate. But this-- being the one to pull the trigger-- for me, is simply not something I can do and be able to reconcile my own identity as a mom and my values with my actions. I wish it were different. Maybe something I can work on with IC.

So. For whatever reason, that path is not open to me, today. Maybe it is denial? If I spent enough time thinking about his actions and what a f-up he is, how unhappy I am M to him, maybe it would either start to affect my parenting our the situation here (maybe I could pick a lot of fights?) such that I'd see it would be better for the kids to S? Or seeing the inevitability of it so why prolong the agony? I am kind of already in that latter boat, mostly, but it still isn't enough to allow me to make the call.

What other information do you need to make your decisions?

I don't know. Will think on this one.

I've been thinking about your a-hole H and see someone very, very lost. I think I actually believe that deep-down he does not want a R with AP, (regardless of whether he's binned her off or not at this stage). I'm wondering if you - like me - have witnessed such deep and significant transformations within ourselves that we find it hard to let go of someone if we believe that they too might experience that inner transformation/lightbulb moment.

I think I believe that too. Otherwise he still wouldn't be here. Or he does want one, but only in the imaginary/sisters wives way, because he doesn't want it enough to actually walk. It is pretty pathetic. For her, too. And yes, I definitely feel like I know that it is possible to rediscover your love for your spouse because it happened to me, just like you.

Something needs to break the cycle May - I know you know that. What is going to be the catalyst for real change? Do you think you have a really good opportunity here, on a plate?

Maybe. I did, until he first did the 5-day thing and then decided he wanted to go all in and said he was ending it (again). Now that has managed to throw me for a loop and I'm still collecting myself. I need to think on the various options. I am still not OK with him taking the kids for more than a week away from me. Sorry. I don't think I'll ever be-- I wasn't when we were happily M and I'm definitely not now. F that. Could I say let's cancel the first two weeks (we could still get part-time distance learning those two weeks for the kids), and we each take them for one of the other two weeks? I could do that.

On the S part... I feel like most of my tribe here (excepting WF) has had the experience of S and it wasn't usually by the LBWs own volition. I completely believe that once I get to that place, I'll be so much more equipped to deal with everything in front of me without him in my space all day long. And maybe that is what he needs too, to see what life is like outside of this family and house and without me. I honestly believe I would be scared but embrace it right now if he came and said that is what he wanted. I am just unable to be the one to do it.

He ordered this book and was reading it last night... I asked him what he was reading and he tried to hide it from me and then showed me. Said I was the one always reading things and then sharing it with him so he wanted to do the same (and reiterated that he's still reading the Glass book too). He said he hoped it would help him make a decision-- it purports to clear out all the myths surrounding M and D such that you can make a clear-eyed decision on whether to work on your M or move on. It was called Sacred Cows and is basically a rah-rah book for D, "busting" all the myths of why D is so bad. I read through it this morning and was so annoyed. Written by two people who are both Ded (and happily remarried to each other with four children) and honestly feels the entire time they are trying to justify their decisions. Maybe reading this book will give him what it takes to walk. IDK.