Living with a WAS/MLC husband...who does not care

[BlueSea]

I had a breakdown last night.

H was talking about his journey and the next 6 months of figuring this out for him, and his thoughts, and his feelings and his life, and him him him...so I let him know that I wasn't sure either, that I also had decisions to make....that I had just come thru a marathon of getting thru the last 5 months that really was hard on me and took a lot out of me and I have distanced myself enough to feel like I am in a healthy enough place that walking away was now an option for me.

I let him know I am scared of being vulnerable again - that he is now being soft and kind - but it wasn't just the other day that I was terrified of him. When he came to hug me the other night and it was dark, and he was still in a bad place, he surprised me when he grabbed me so hard - I thought he was going to really hurt me - that it was it, he had snapped. So, knowing that mean guy is in there - and could come out at any time - makes me so fearful, in words I just can not express here. I saw a side of him that terrifies me - everything about me is raising warning flags.

I see him trying, given its only been a couple days, but all these smiles and hugs is so counter to the person I have been dealing with these past 5 months that I am not able to process his change. Where is that snarling beast that ripped me to shreds to many times? He is in there. When will 'he' come out again? How can I just offer my heart up again to this person and move forward?

Its also so hard to know I have been praying and wanting this change and effort from him for so long - and here it is! - and now I am faltering. I let him know how depleted I am right now and unsure. This man who I loved so much did some really terrible things to me - I had put all that to the side so I could continue the fight - but its all coming back to haunt me.

I was not the best wife I am sure but I really am a good person and I deserve someone that will treat me kindly, that I can trust implicitly and will be loyal and communicative. I grieve for the husband I have lost, for the marriage that is no more - its gone, its all gone. The ignorant bliss I had enjoyed before all this is gone, I know there is a beast inside of him that I will never be able to un-see... and that has changed everything. I am questioning it all.