Trying to Detach

[Pommy99]

May, I havent been posting lately but I have been following your thread daily and wanted you to know I've been thinking about you so much.

I hate the fact that H is still in his own perpetual state of limbo and whilst you have that glimmer of hope within you, and will not make his decisions for him, you remain in a perpetual state of limbo as well. I dont have any worldly advice - you've had so much great advice already and your head is fully screwed on. I've been thinking about your a-hole H and see someone very, very lost. I think I actually believe that deep-down he does not want a R with AP, (regardless of whether he's binned her off or not at this stage). I'm wondering if you - like me - have witnessed such deep and significant transformations within ourselves that we find it hard to let go of someone if we believe that they too might experience that inner transformation/lightbulb moment.

Something needs to break the cycle May - I know you know that. What is going to be the catalyst for real change? Do you think you have a really good opportunity here, on a plate? If H takes the kiddos away and you choose not to go, he gets to realise that the fantasy S/D does not and cannot exist. He may also realise that it is not so bad. That may be enough for him to reach a conclusion. I know this sounds like it is all about H, and perhaps it is, because you know that you wont pull that trigger and he has to be the one to make the decision. But if there is no change then the limbo will continue. Perhaps you need to decide that you will not go, no conditions, no boundaries, just "I dont want to go and nothing you can say at this time will change my mind". (Is there actually anything he could say or do right now that would make you feel loved/secure?) You are empowering yourself by simply removing yourself from the trip. Otherwise I see a very painful limbo holiday - you will sleep in the same bed and act like mum and dad for the kids, but it will be fake, and that will hurt you.

Sending hugs May x

p.s I too have never been able to refer to EAP by name, only "your friend" or "that woman"!