Trying to Detach

[may22]

Sage.

Wow. Your post really hit me in a lot of different ways.

Today was a hard day. Before my IC appointment I asked H if he'd changed his mind. He said "about what?" I said what you said on the weekend, wanting to break it off again with AP. He said, no, I'm still in that same place... but... I said, you haven't done anything concrete towards it? He said I just don't know what to do. I go through the whole thing in my head and I don't know how to actually do it. I'm worried that this deadline of the trip is a false deadline. I said, there needs to be some decision at some point. This can't go on forever. He slouched off looking sorry for himself.

I talked to the IC about it at length, plus more on boundaries, whether or not I'd ever be able to forgive my H anyway, this trip, the SSM... we were all over the place. She is concerned that the affair or things around it are starting to be normalized for me, even things like saying her name (for the longest time I never said her name, just that person or another person. I have said her name in conversation with H and with IC recently).

We talked about space and I said even if he breaks it off with AP I don't think I'll go on this trip for the whole time, I'd stay home at least a week-- I think we both need a break from each other. I haven't told him this, of course. I feel like by setting up this trip and booking all the hotels he's kind of setting up this THING that he'll use to convince himself he's gone too far along in planning and has to break it off with AP, and/or using the fact that he told me he was going to break it off plus all the planning to hook me back in somewhat so that I stop... idk. maybe stop bothering him with a deadline?

IC asked if he doesn't break it off and I'm not satisfied with the plan (I told her I'm NOT going through this $hit again in four more months) what would the consequences be? Would he have to MO? And again, the only time I cry... I broke down saying I can't be the one to do that. That is just such a deeply held line for me, on both sides. She said, OK.

Next week we'll work on how to keep my emotional life from sabotaging my professional life and my homework for this week is to focus on doing things that comfort me and bring me joy and to focus on me, not the kids or H. ME. (Again. I'm really glad I started seeing her because she is terrific and I always feel better after talking with her. But. this board has totally been playing that same role for me and saying the same things. You are all AWESOME.)

there is a selfish side of me that WANTS to hear H's story, or your view of it. Because years down the road, when your story is one of the DB annals, people want to read your H's side and think 'that's MY H to a T!' And then look to your voice for guidance and think 'I too can do what she did!' So please don't diminish your voice, or your H's voice in your threads. Who cares if you are perfectly DBing or doing exactly what everyone says you should. Your voice is human and real, just like all of ours. Keep posting the truth as you see it, we all (present and future) need it.

I remember thinking at some point as I was posting all the craaaaaazy stuff H was telling me that maybe the weirdness of H having no filter with me would help others, whose Hs may be in similar situations but are able to keep their traps shut about it.

I feel like there are some unusual things about my situation, it has gone on so long, but his AP lives so far away, they've only seen each other maybe 12-14 times (I counted it all up at some point but don't remember exactly what it was... something like 64 total possible days over two years that they could have been in the same city at the same time.), he started IC a year into the A. We went through the a-hole alien H and rewriting history phase and are pretty much on the other end of that. I'm confident if she lived here I would have found out about it a lot sooner and if he was sneaking around with her in real time I would have had a lot harder time with that--imagining that in the future is really hard for me-- so somehow the distance made it seem less real to me and kept me from getting as enraged as I might have otherwise. Also, I'm sure if she lived here he'd have a lot more pressure to MO-- the distance has helped him to really compartmentalize a lot. His IC has helped him a lot on some of his own issues outside of his ambivalence about AP and the M, and the MC-- both times around-- actually did help us in our communication skills, so we are talking about things we never would have talked about before, both about our R and ourselves.

All that to say... I feel like for all of these reasons, my sitch isn't playing out in quite the same way as others, and maybe part of all of that is that i get a little deeper peek into the confused head of the LBH than most. (Not that it makes a lot of sense.) I will try to keep posting about him for that reason. Though, I'm really trying not to hear from him directly about a number of things right now that I've heard enough of. He told me today he wants to try staring into each other's eyes for four minutes and then each of us telling the other their 100% truth, where they are, how they feel, what they want, etc without the other person interrupting or reacting at all. I thought about it and said I didn't want to do that right now, unless he could keep AP out of the conversation. but I wasn't interested in hearing anything about her. He didn't say anything in response.

The heart speaks the intuitive, real truth, if only the head allows it. I think that perhaps your heart wants to let things play out... is H for real this time? Is this really it? And I think it is OK to let your heart lead for a bit. Your head will always be there; you are no pansy pushover; you too are analytical and probably of a scientific background. Your head will step in and save you when it needs to. This may go against most advice out there. So take it or leave it. And obviously, do what you need to do to save your own soul, whatever path that may be.

How did you know??? I do a scientific background (my kids like to say Mommy's a scientist!! and I'm like no, sorry. *was* a long time ago. Now I go to meetings.) I've been thinking on this a lot, the head vs the heart, ever since you posted it. And here is where I'm coming to-- in my head, I absolutely KNOW I'm going to be OK. I will get through this. I'll be the better for it. I can enjoy having my house to myself and decisions on my own and cutting H out of my life as much as possible (with my expensive sunglasses) and meeting someone new. I have zero doubts about that in my mind. I know some things will be absolutely horrible, like not having my kids with me every single night, and seeing H with AP IRL or her having any contact with the girls... that does still fill me with irrational and frightening rage, but I know I'll get over it. I don't feel like there is anything I can't do if I set my mind to it. (Also why I feel convinced we have a good shot at a strong M2.0 as he is the same way.)

And maybe that is why I'm resisting this somewhat, the totally moving on in my head. Because my heart and intuition *is* tugging me back, and saying maybe this was a relapse and not a collapse, this is the next big hurdle, why should I harden my heart now when I'll have plenty of time to do that if we go in that direction. I guess I don't totally see the need to do it protectively ahead of time. Does that make sense? I see how I *should* do it, but I don't really want to. i know if it comes to that I'll have friends and family to support me and I'll get through it. I always do. I'm just not totally ready to give up all hope right now on my H. And the children are still such a big part of it. I'm clinging onto hope that if there is a way to resolve this without them being hurt, that is the path I choose, even if it is longer and more difficult for me.

YOUR power lays in whether or not his best decision for himself is good enough for you. MAY HAS THE POWER. Remind yourself of this over and over and over again. You don't have to take him back. You can choose to take him back. Or not. MAY HAS THE POWER. (Disregard the kids in this instance... children will always be best when their primary model is at her best)

Doesn't quite feel that way yet but I'm working on it.

Can you both stay true to the truest of May's heart wishes AND not give a flying f*** what H decides in the end?

Maybe if I can continue to spin out my two paths in my head without committing to one--letting my heart still hope but releasing all my fears and anxieties about what might or might not happen... I can get to this place. I really want to. I dos still give somewhat of an F though. Baby steps.

Scout, Cardinal... thanks on the job. It's hard. I'll see what it all looks like when she sends me what she's thinking. It is really very flattering-- they're putting this job together for me -- but there also isn't really a rush as it isn't a position right now. I could probably string it out for awhile-- I asked her timing and she said she couldn't wait two years but she could wait. So maybe it could still be a possibility.

Cardinal, continuing to think on the trip. We're supposed to leave in a little over two weeks at this point. I'm thinking if things don't change (which I am desperately working on continuing to believe they won't, that pesky little hope keeps popping up as much as I shove her back down) then I'll look carefully at the itinerary and see what I want to do the most. Maybe he does the first couple weeks by himself and then takes the girls for one of the next two weeks and maybe I'll do the last week trip with the girls by myself. That way we have a month apart, we each have a fun week-long vacation with the girls. He may not be cool about the two weeks by himself, but we could also just cancel it. Too bad, so sad.

xoxo love you guys.