Having been through a period of S already with H, I don't fear it any longer. I secretly welcome the space to be on my own, decorate my newly-renovated house without his harsh and mean judgement and even (though I never thought I would be here) I welcome the thought of child-free days in my own house (what a marvel, I have never had this before). So the fear of S doesn't resonate with me, although it did before our initial period of S.
And as far as financial insecurity, I don't fear that either. H's thoughts were that he would just maintain status quo for me as long as it took for him to make his decision. That he would maintain my lifestyle to the degree I was used to (here's a pretty check, Pet, you don't need to worry!). But that doesn't work for me. I want to make decisions based upon my own financial security, my own abilities to save and decide what I want to spend MY money on. Not to be beholden to him. And frankly, I have been the money person in our R and I am concerned about his own poor decision-making surrounding money as he has never really had to deal with it before. To be fair, he gained control of our credit and took over some of the money stuff, but his new rental (FFS, I would BUY a house before I spent that on rent for a year!!) is testament to his inability to make sound financial decisions for US (it might be good for him, but not us). So my anxiety has been a product of his view vs my view of a S. And probably my fear of the wrath of my standing up for splitting finances (I want to split the house, cars, child-related costs, but not the business at this time).
Yes to sweet tea and long baths and runs in the woods. Yes to the self-care mechanisms. Yes to taking ownership of my own happiness and being. I am trying. Desperately.
