Darling May. I have been reading your threads religiously but haven't been able to post any of my thoughts. In no particular order:
You are amazing. And so strong and so good. Not a soul could accuse you of not having your heart and mind in the right place. The heart and mind play games with each other, always trying to outcompete. I see that playing out in your posts. So normal. So true. So human. At the end of the day, only YOU get to decide which voice 'wins'. It's up to you.
I have read people suggesting you focus less on H and more on you. But there is a selfish side of me that WANTS to hear H's story, or your view of it. Because years down the road, when your story is one of the DB annals, people want to read your H's side and think 'that's MY H to a T!' And then look to your voice for guidance and think 'I too can do what she did!' So please don't diminish your voice, or your H's voice in your threads. Who cares if you are perfectly DBing or doing exactly what everyone says you should. Your voice is human and real, just like all of ours. Keep posting the truth as you see it, we all (present and future) need it. And at the very least, perhaps this forum is a journal where you get to read your own personal journey and see how far you have come (I see you, I heart you, AlisonUK).
Having said that, the folks suggesting May stays true to May is valid. Keep fighting for the real May. Whomever she may be in the moment. (And it's OK to flip-flop between angry-May and heartfelt-May and trusting-May and hopeful-May and despairing-May all in the same moment, BTW)
My IC has had me focus in on my heart lately. Getting out of my head, the analytical, scientist side of me, and into my heart. The heart speaks the intuitive, real truth, if only the head allows it. I think that perhaps your heart wants to let things play out... is H for real this time? Is this really it? And I think it is OK to let your heart lead for a bit. Your head will always be there; you are no pansy pushover; you too are analytical and probably of a scientific background. Your head will step in and save you when it needs to. This may go against most advice out there. So take it or leave it. And obviously, do what you need to do to save your own soul, whatever path that may be.
Your H is a lying cheater who has rocked your marriage to the core. He is also confused. And human. He is not the worst on these threads, nor the best. Only HE can make the best decision for himself. And YOUR power lays in whether or not his best decision for himself is good enough for you. MAY HAS THE POWER. Remind yourself of this over and over and over again. You don't have to take him back. You can choose to take him back. Or not. MAY HAS THE POWER. (Disregard the kids in this instance... children will always be best when their primary model is at her best)
I keep coming back to the whole 'love is a verb' concept. Maybe H comes back for the kids. For fear of D. Who is to say that over time that he will STAY for love of you? Again, I may be anti-DB in my approach, but if you read all the success stories, I feel the common thread is that the LBS gains the power over the decision (almost always a construct in their head that the WAS responds to) and that is what brings the WAS back again. Can you both stay true to the truest of May's heart wishes AND not give a flying f*** what H decides in the end?
If and when you get there, give me back the same advice. I SEE you, girl.
