Riding the Wave 3

[may22]

Hi Wayfarer,

Thanks for sharing this-- it is good to see things progressing! I think I need to get caught up on the IW and DnJ threads in case I end up in this continued limbo.

I like to hear that your IC feels positive about your continued personal growth. Can you share more about that part? The patience and control stuff, or are you focused in other areas? I'm also really glad to hear that the girls' relationship with him is improving. That is a big deal. Also, I would guess that every time he has a social interaction like this one that goes well he feels a little better about the future. I know we aren't supposed to mindread but holy cr@p, can you imagine being in his shoes? Knowing what he did and that you're still there, knowing that your friends know all, taking a deep breath and diving in and being friendly and putting it out there when he could have just as easily faked a headache and stayed home scared. I think these are all good signs. Even if he isn't crawling back on his hands and knees, he is saying to you that you matter, he's willing to sVck it up and be present and be kind and be your H in these situations even though it has got to be super uncomfortable for him.

IC brought up that it's interesting that during this covid time that a lot of couples are falling apart but H and I, although slow, are steadily pulling together. I told her that I'm not entirely surprised. The foundation he and I had wasn't just a good one. It was a great one. I wouldn't have stuck this out if it wasn't. I've already had enough time in my life living in less than desirable living situations. I've had enough time in my life trying to make a square peg fit in a circle hole in relationships. I stand by what I said when I got here 7 months ago, I'll admit what we had wasn't perfect, but it was good, really good. I'm not standing because I'm scared of being alone. I'm not standing because I'm scared of losing H. I'm not standing because I'm desperate. I'm not standing because I want to win. I'm standing because I know if he and I can get through this this is going to be a blip in time in our marriage. And if I can't, I get to walk away saying I tried or was willing to try everything.

THIS... all resonates so so much with me! I'm glad you shared it. I've been so frustrated about the fact that the COVID lockdown had actually been so positive for us. He mentioned it a ton throughout and then has brought it up multiple times post last-BD that it was so positive for us to have had this experience, regardless of what happens, we have had this time of closeness and fun and being supportive and there for each other. (We just didn't fall back crazily in love and have long LM sessions staring into each others' eyes, which it sounds like he was waiting for.) Meanwhile, our MC had 13 back to back appointments when H spoke with him last week because he has all these new clients whose Ms are falling apart.

One of the reasons I love you and love coming to your thread is this-- you can see so clearly both the good and the bad. I have such a hard time aligning both views of my H. I really respect and admire your ability to do that. I remember a long time ago you pushed back on the "PA? Why haven't you filed yet?? Don't you respect yourself??" questions win such a wise and thoughtful way... that PA = D as a knee-jerk reaction was no different from begging and pleading, just in the other direction; that if all LBSs felt that way there would be a lot less of us on the boards; that you had taken a clear-eyed look at the girls and what was best for them and it wasn't kicking him out right away. I just was overcome with admiration. I soooooo wish we knew each other IRL. I too want more than anything to know, in my heart of hearts, that I gave this 100%. I just don't want on the other end of this to have any question that I gave up on us.

Do you still have that one-year timeline ticking away in your head?