Quick recap-- H had a 2 year long distance PA. Two daughters, aged 8 and 10. I found out full extent at the end of December, we went through six weeks of DC and incredible ambivalence where H wanted both AP as a lover and me as best friend/co-parent. He decided to end the A in mid-February though his decision was based more on the kids, inability to continue the current situation for all of us because of the overwhelming stress, and AP's desire to have children (she's 11 years younger than me and H firmly does not want more children) rather than a desire for me as a wife. We had four months of getting along very well, enjoying family time with the lockdown, planning for the future. We stopped MC during lockdown as no childcare and H wanted to take a break given the potential stress of MC and quarantine together. Then three and a half weeks ago I found out that a couple weeks before that he got back in touch with AP-- she'd texted him to say she was moving on, he reached out to see if she was OK with the protests in her area-- and all of a sudden we have rewound back to January. He's scared he is going to miss out on this one chance to be happy, back to his fantasy D scenario where we remain best friends and we co-own the house and have dinner together every night with the kids, insisting that we make this decision together. (Which I refuse to do.) He's also refused to MO, saying he would want to move to the basement and not out of the house entirely (until, presumably, she moved out here. She lives 5k miles away. Oh, and now says she looooooooves H so much she doesn't need kids anymore.)
Over the past couple of weeks, after the initial shock and whiplash wore off, I've been really focusing on myself and working on detaching. I started seeing an IC, have had a couple of attorney consults, worked out some budget stuff and a child sharing proposal to feel OK about being on my own. I've started to surface my anger instead of burying it deep, which is centering around the lying, the A, the half-@$$ed "trying" from Feb-May (when he WAS really started to disengage from her and refocus on us, though that is buried now in his revisionist history), the potential D derailing a new career I was preparing to embark on this summer with H's full support but can't really do on my own-- but mostly centered around him actually leaving. I am refusing to help him make this decision. I'm also working on delinking my own behaviors from consciously or subconsciously trying to manipulate him, and identifying his manipulative behaviors towards me. Trying to parse through my own anger and fears to get to a place where I can be whole and detached regardless of what is happening with H.
We have/had a month-long trip planned for the end of July into August. Last week I told him I didn't want to go on this vacation and play happy family in the current situation. He sat on that for a couple of days and then proposed two five-day trips and he takes the kids. I initially said no, then some of you wise posters here helped me see that was controlling on my part, and I told him it was fine. He thought on this for a couple more days and then on the weekend told me he doesn't want to get divorced, he is going to break it off with AP (again, this time for good). His reasons did not have anything to do with wanting me, more about the children and all the other things about D he doesn't want (the house, the financials, etc) plus is back to he can't have an R with someone who wants children. He expressed his fears that he'll never get over the SSM that preceded the A and be able to fall back in love with me. I was and am very skeptical. Told him to give it some time, he might change his mind, also asked what would be different this time around (no good answer to this one). We have managed to not talk about it since then and both have our IC appointments tomorrow, after which I imagine it may come up again. He has now thrown himself into planning this full month-long trip, which we both know isn't happening if we are still in the status quo, but I'm sure we could figure something out where he takes the kids on half of it and I take them somewhere fun for the other half. I haven't reminded him of any of this. At some point we'll have to address it, I guess-- I don't want to just slide into this trip unless I see major changes, which I'm not really expecting at this point.
So... that's where we are. Hope, Job, WF, I'll respond separately to you guys.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
