Look beyond. Look passed all that’s been written upon their once clean slate. See them. See their slate. See them and see what has been written so far. Perhaps you can see, and hope for, the possibility of something better being written upon their future. Would that change how we see them? Should it?
I do believe people are capable of change in a positive, healthy direction. Does that change how I see H? Should it? Maybe not as who he was vs. who he is/seems to be but in flux. I will have to think about this more.
H has been looking at those high school yearbooks his mom sent. Past selves. I wonder who he thought he was then, or when we were married after college,or who he thinks he is now. Just in a curious observer kind of way I wonder how would he describe himself, his core self. Not his changing interests, not his happy, never-worried exterior, but what’s at his center. All I know is that he was the perfect son in high school and well-liked by everyone, best friend to many girls.
This is tangentially related—it does make think of something H said at BD: he had changed, he said, but I hadn’t. This hurt and confused me at the time. I could see there were some changes I/we needed to make in our R. But me as a person? Is that what he meant? I’d felt pretty good about knowing myself, and his words made me question that. Was I supposed to be a completely different person than I’d been up until then? And can't partners grow and change independently over a long M? i.e. M doesn't mean you always have to be into the same interests as your partner, because you're both individual, whole people. A year later, I can see all the changes he’s made (friends, hobbies—he just bought a compound bow and I guess is into archery now?—hair, clothes, etc etc), and I wonder if I should have understood those words less as a critique of me and more as a projection of his desire to change himself. Or change something, anything. His words still echo from time to time, but I can say I still feel pretty happy with who I am fundamentally, you know? Not that my work is done, I can never learn anything more or grow—just that I feel more and more comfortable with myself, less of that anxious feeling that I must need to change for H in some way. Which is I guess something I don’t sense in H—a level of comfort with who he is.
I felt so joyful and content yesterday: I took the time to make a slightly more involved pizza dough from my sourdough starter and the extra work paid off. I enjoyed the best pizza I’ve ever made, then more of the dessert I’d baked over the weekend—key lime bars with the lightest, fluffiest swiss meringue. I picked flowers from the garden and delivered an arrangement to a friend’s porch. This is who I am, you know? Able to find absolute delight in each of these things. I have to admit, when I bit into the pizza, I thought, H is really going to be missing out. Not in a mean way or a sad way, but just, too bad for him! I do think we had a lot of really happy times together. We were also stuck in our own patterns and not working to understand them. I do think there is always the possibility for positive changes in the future, but I guess that's my optimism coming through again. Trying not to get it mixed up with expectations, always.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
And cardinal my dear, you have all of this in you. You've been exercising all of that. I know you don't always feel it, but lady, let me tell you, you are forever falling off that horse and getting right back up with grace, strength and empathy.
Thank you so much for saying this, Wayfarer. I think sometimes I focus too much on where I’d like to be (100% compassion, empathy, patience, detachment) and forget to focus on how far I’ve come.
I wish I could have a pizza party with all of you! I’m making more dough tonight.
