I understand that out of body anxiety, Sage. I experienced that a lot in the days and weeks after H moved out. We had been unhappy for a long time and the marriage was really really not working for either of us. I'd tried everything I could think of, we'd already had a horrendous and failed attempt at therapy and I'd been asking him to leave for months. But when he did, it was like a big part of my mind just could not process it. What had felt unbreakable and forever (for better or worse - and that security did more often than not feel like a miserable trap than a sanctuary) had broken - totally broken - and I could not even begin to imagine a way that fixing it would be possible. I do think that was shock, and trauma. Partner bonds are strong and more long lasting and deep in some ways than the bonds we have with our parents. And even if that bond is miserable and toxic, it is still a part of every single aspect of your life.
If you are in immediate financial vulnerability, I would advise getting a professional representative - a lawyer - to act for you. It needn't mean a divorce: you can get a temporary separation agreement around finances. And if you are not in immediate financial vulnerability, treat yourself as someone who has just been in a horrendous car crash and has walked away from a burning wreck. Sweet tea, early nights, gentle television and calming hobbies, time outside, routine, good food and no emotional or logistical demands. I know kids and work does not always make that possible. Maybe treating your shocked and injured heart can only happen for an hour, or half an hour a day. Whatever. Do what you can and it will be good enough.
