Thank you Scout12 (you are so calm and wise! Stop untangling the skein is the best analogy), LH and May... I really appreciate the thoughtful responses.
I have had some anxiety about the separation, namely finances and the children. I have started conversations with H about splitting finances and in the middle of it, I had an out of body experience where my mind said 'is this really happening? Are we really talking about this? What the actual? This isn't real!!' Trying to calm that inner voice, shush her into oblivion so that I may accept my reality. It's so, so hard.
But I know that my best move right now is to continue to detach. I have no more interest in fixing him or joining him on this journey. It's his to figure out, not mine. I will only get hurt and cause more damage if I continue to stay in this place with him. 'Dragged by the rope I refuse to drop' some might say. Nope. No more.
That doesn't mean that I don't have moments of tears or sadness about my situation. And I know this sounds crazy, but I don't really intuitively feel like it is really over. Kind of like I am going through the motions, supporting his decision, validating, but knowing somewhere deep that we will end up together in the long term. Or maybe I am mixing that intuitive emotion up with the knowledge that I will be fine no matter what, with or without him? Outcome is the same either way, so I suppose it is not a bad thread of hope to hold onto?
I don't expect a whole lot of change or momentum to happen in my situation for the foreseeable future, but I like how Alison was able to reflect on how far she has come by re-reading her old threads so I hope to use this place to journal and reflect. Bear with me if it gets boring...
