To be more specific you are a Type A control freak with an anxious attachment style. You husband on the other hand is an avoidant. So here is what happens:
Affairs are acts of anger -- he has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since he's avoidant, he hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through.
Once people have affairs, they *initially* feel guilty and will beat themselves up about it, but eventually self-protection takes over and they refuse to believe that they are bad people.
So if he's not a bad person, then the reason he did a bad thing must have been because *you* drove him to it, you made him do it, and therefore *you* are the bad person and he is the victim.
Once he gets there, he'll seek any evidence to reinforce his viewpoint and will reject anything that contradicts it. That's why he will vilify you and nothing you do will be good. You simply can't win because he's an expert at confirmation bias at this point.
Virtually no one gets any real remorse -- the wayward spouse will feel sorry for themselves for "how you made them feel" about the affair, but they won't really feel remorse for their actions because they convince themselves that they were justified and that you were to blame.
I see a lot of truth here.
My H couldn't say no to me.... sometimes I just wanted him to say no.
When it was really time to think about moving rather than hear me talk about this project or that project I wish he just would have said - its time to go. I need to have a shorter commute. I'm really struggling with stress and I agreed to stay until S18 was out of high school... its time to go. I just needed that firm hand.
But, i appreciate all the help. I cannot go back and no amount of lamenting of what could have been is going to happen. My H fell out of love with me.
I have to work on my coping mechanisms. My H is NOT my support system anymore. (THIS IS THE HARDEST PART). I have to start living life without my H because as everyone pointed out he is not coming back.
