Just journaling because it's been a while. We are still slow and steady. There have been more grill outs. We're at an even split of just him and I going and going as a family. The most recent one was kind of a big step. It was at my bffs house. H knows she knows all. He knows her H knows all. He's been very hesitant around them but went all in and had a great time. We all did. The previous grill out he was making a lot of "we" comments again. H had a convo with a friend's W about WFH and how he doesn't like that I'm answering emails or doing work off the clock simply because my "office" is in front of me at all times now, and that I over worked myself at my last job and that he hates to see that happen again. She said she does it too, because it's really hard not to. It was sweet to see him actually concerned about me. And my well being. I know he is. I know he was. But he was terrified to let anyone else know. He was tagged in pictures with me on facebook. He never removed the tag. He liked the pictures. Baby steps on social media too I suppose.
H has been focusing more on one on one time with the kids and time with both of them without me. Which I think is also why I'm having these pseudo dates with H. Him getting out with the girls gives me more time to work on my masters program or other GAL and more time for him to repair this gap with him and the girls. This is something that really, really needed to happen for them. Kids adapt quickly, and him doing what he can in his way to make up for his time leaving them in the dust has made a huge difference in the girls attitude directly and indirectly towards him. D16 is here more and more now. Which makes all of us, minus D17, happy... bless teenage girls, so kind and considerate.
H is still sleeping on the couch full time, but slept with me one night this past weekend, and took a nap with me yesterday. So I suppose that's baby steps too. At the start of lock down he back peddled a lot on sleeping in the bed with me because the girls were up so much later than us. They were around all the time. It was hard for him to get in and out unnoticed. He had really been on this whole he doesn't want to get their hopes up thing. He's slowly getting more affectionate with me around them and caring less about what it looks like if he's in the MBR with me, (gasp) alone.
I'm just kind of waiting things out for the foreseeable future at this point. He desperately wants things at his pace. I can accomodate that. IC feels like as long as I remain in a position of personal growth that I'm not hurting myself or anything of real significance waiting him out. She wants me to start thinking about new goals in therapy, and what I'm going to need for an R. She wants to work on how I can communicate what I need to him in a way he'll be receptive because even in a healthy mental place H doesn't really get boundaries vs ultimatums or boundaries vs. control and manipulation. And I'm kind of a b*tch...lol.
I read a lot of DnJ and Iron Will to keep me on this zen path. Just letting thing naturally unfold and being as kind, compassionate and patient as possible, not just to H but to my kids and most importantly to myself.
IC brought up that it's interesting that during this covid time that a lot of couples are falling apart but H and I, although slow, are steadily pulling together. I told her that I'm not entirely surprised. The foundation he and I had wasn't just a good one. It was a great one. I wouldn't have stuck this out if it wasn't. I've already had enough time in my life living in less than desirable living situations. I've had enough time in my life trying to make a square peg fit in a circle hole in relationships. I stand by what I said when I got here 7 months ago, I'll admit what we had wasn't perfect, but it was good, really good. I'm not standing because I'm scared of being alone. I'm not standing because I'm scared of losing H. I'm not standing because I'm desperate. I'm not standing because I want to win. I'm standing because I know if he and I can get through this this is going to be a blip in time in our marriage. And if I can't, I get to walk away saying I tried or was willing to try everything.
