I am curious what this apology looks like in your mind? I get the feeling that it is filled with expectations. You are going to come away disappointed. He doesn't deserve an apology right now.
You can work towards forgiving yourself and getting yourself to a healthy/happy place. That should be the goal.
You are exhausted because you have been holding on for dear life. It is time to drop the rope.
You are right. I mean don't get me wrong. I'm filled with true remorse for a lot of my behaviors. But, you are right. Somewhere down deep I want to plant some seed in my H that... "oh she gets it now", "she really gets it now"
^^^Thanks for calling me out on my BS.
LH you are going to love this next piece!!!!
If you remember in my H's last statement that he talked about feeling pinned, restricted and ultamatems and life living in fear is no life worth living? So there was a time when went on a motorbike ride that I insisted my H wear his helmet. REALLY??? My H is a grown man he should be able to make his own decisions about his own safety. It really made him angry.
Why would I do that? Why would I exert control like he wasn't an adult? Well, control is based in fear. What was I afraid of? I was afraid of him being seriously hurt. We've all seen the statistics right? Well LH from my childhood my own father was riding a motorbike when I was 6? Had a very very bad accident and was told the only reason he survived was the helmet that at the time was required by law. I remember my mom being very uspet and getting woken up to got to hospital late at night and watching my dad recover. It was years before my dad would get on a bike again after that. So I was afraid of my H getting hurt - I exerted control and made him resentful rather than letting him make his own decision about his safety.
Same with smoking. My H was respectful and never did it around me or in the house. But, it bothered me greatly. I did spend a great deal of time nagging him but in the last 2-3 years I stopped because I realized it wasn't working. Why did I freak out so much that my H smoked? I was worried for his health. Terrified of lung cancer. Was my H not an educated man? Could he not make his own health care decisions? I grew up with father who chained smoked in the house. I couldn't stand the smell it made me retch. I grew up in the age where they crammed fear into small children to not smoke by showing the horrible nasty things that happen -- the black sooty lungs got passed around. I grew up terrified my father was going to die from lung disease. It was probably a legimate fear but it was extremely over exaggerated when I was younger. So I'm letting my childhood triggers and fears try to dictate my H's behavior. Its like this light bulb went off when I started understanding my controlling behaviors and how I micromanaged EVERYTHING to the point of exhaustion... My H is a very competent adult - my trying to manage his health was completely disrespectful.
Did I have the best intentions - I did... I was showing how much I cared. (that is where my head is.... I wasn't taking the time to see how my actions were coming across.)
Right now my H sees me as this person living in fear... but that's just because of how I tried to manage him.
PART 2 is this:
NOW last fall in my head I was looking forward to getting out on the motorbike more with my H. Going to this restaurant an hour away... this place that place. However, I never spoke of that to my H. I kept in my head. I just figured summer would be here and I would say hey lets go here... or can we do this?
My H was under the impression I did not like the motorbike - why? Because that is how my cautious actions led him to feel. I never spoke of my true desires to my H. I expected my H to read my mind?
H is completely pissed saying how can you even go sailing when you wouldn't even go out of the fishing boat with me? I kid you not last fall I told myself I would have my H take me fishing no less than 2 times this summer. I booked a charter fishing trip last spring for just the two of us on vacation and loved it! The plan was to take another charter trip last March --- obviously he BD me and then COVID so it wouldn't have happened anyway.
But, again I expected my H to mind read and know that I wanted to go fishing with him this summer. I mean I could have spoken up last fall by simply saying "I can't wait for warmer weather so we can go out on the boat together" He thinks I hate the boat and don't want to fish with him. How could I have been so dumb?
Of course the saddest part now is that telling him any of this will come across as desperate and begging/pleading. He won't believe its the honest truth (because it is). So I have to sit with the knowledge that I expected my H to read my mind...
That I just needed more pushing... if he would just keep asking and involving me (because I really wanted too). But, my H states that if he needed to push me more then that meant I really didn't want it. Why did I expect my H to push me more? All I can think of is that I wanted to feel wanted??? Was that me being needy???
^^^I don't have a good reason for that but deep in my heart I wanted him to keep asking me... but also I planned this summer to surprise him by me asking him.
^^^None of this is excusing my H's behavior or choices. I'm just trying to find a way to live with mine. I was steering this boat and ran it aground.
