Living with a WAS/MLC husband...who does not care

[SteveLW]

What does it mean? It means nothing. It means everything. It means something in between. Bluesea, please do not fall into the LBS trap of trying to decipher every word and action. Whether he hugs you, whether he doesn't. Whether he stays, whether he goes. Whether his hug is brief and light, or long and tight. None of it changes what you should be doing.

And you handled this pretty well. I would have liked to see more validation. To be honest you only had to say "he was free to go whenever he wanted, that I was not making him stay, that he could walk out the door when he wanted" one time. Then listen and validate. "I understand you feel you need to leave." "So your are saying that you feel that you want to leave." Etc.

LBSs repeat themselves too much. I see so many LBSs here that feel that every time their WAS starts an R talk that they have to reiterate that "I don't want this, you do" type statements. So just a slight 2x4 related to you repeating that you can't make him stay, weren't making him stay, and that he could go anytime he wanted: should have stated it once, then listened and validated.

As far as the kids, he started the conversation with them, they said what they felt, there was no reason for you to try to control that. I think you did fine.

Now, here is what I think. He expected begging. Pleading, Crying. Anger. And when you gave him calm. Cool. In control of your emotions. He didn't know how to react except to repeat it. I think he was so shocked that your reaction was different than he had imagined, that he just wanted to make sure you understood that he was REALLY talking about leaving. This is exactly what I told you would happen. When a WAS "threatens" to leave, and you are on board with it, they are shocked and do not know how to proceed.

Also, he could have been using this as a manipulation attempt. "If I make her think I am leaving, if I speak to the kids as if that is my decision, then maybe I can get her to capitulate to what I want again, and that is to come and go as I please." And when you didn't respond with fear, doubt, and emotion, that you calmly told him he was free to go anytime he wanted, he realized that he was not going to be able to use the threat of leaving to get you to back down.

It is kind of like in my sitch. I initiated BD by confronting my W about her EA. When she realized she was caught, and that might mean that she couldn't continue the EA, she clobbered me with "I don't want to be married anymore". From that point forward, the entire conversation changed from the EA and her indiscretion, to "why do you want a D??". She knew what she was doing. I think she had planned on this misdirection in case I found out about the EA. So your WAH was looking to use the threat of leaving, since he new you were terrified of that in the past, to get you "back in line". So he could continue his less than clandestine behavior without threat of repercussions.

This is why I said when he threatened to leave, you should offer to help him pack. In fact, I kind of wish you had been more forceful related to WANTING him to leave. "You are free to leave anytime you want, I can't make you stay if I wanted to, and in fact, I would prefer that you do leave if you are going to continue behaving the way that you have." This would have made him realize that not only is he free to leave, but that you would prefer it over the way things have been. This would make him see how serious you were about not taking this lying down any longer. That you were ready to move on from him as he is today, unless he is willing to make radical changes and recommit to the marriage. I know you still struggle with this. You have a fear of him being out of the house, but really he has been emotionally gone for months. So that fear is irrational.

So overall, a solid B+. Which is way better than the Bluesea of just a few weeks ago would have done!