I can certainly understand the shame you are feeling. I remember those feelings very vividly and really struggled with that. You have to remember that this isn’t all about you. Did you make mistakes? Sure. Do your mistakes justify the actions your H has taken? Not even close.
Your H clearly has issues that have nothing to do with you. He had these issues long before you even met him, keep that in mind. You have been willing to move mountains, he hasn’t and that’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. I would bet a mortgage payment that his relationship with OW will not last because he has done nothing to work on his internal issues. It’s just a matter of time. And it don’t care if they have known each other since high school, their relationship is built on a house of cards and it will getting windy sooner or later.
If you are still unwilling to invest in therapy (there are some amazing and compassionate therapists out there), then I would encourage you to shift gears and instead of reading relationship books, read books about codependency and healing toxic shame. There’s lots of great YouTube videos out there as well.
The time is now, Kit. Start investing in yourself.
Thank you for all that!
You bet I've been willing to move mountains!!! But, wasn't my H doing something when he was here- hoping that things would change??? I wasn't getting it. Not even close but he was still coming home and each day a lot more discouraged and unhappy than the day before.
I'm in a lot of hurt right now because my H didn't feel respected - that disrespect led to a lot of emotional turmoil resulting in a relationship that felt hopeless to him.
I don't excuse his choice to immediately become involved with someone else. I recognize that as a band aid.
AND - I hear you. That you expect this relationship to fail. But, Thornton my H has been able to eliminate so many of the stressors that trigger his life to be unbearable here. He no longer has the commute. He has a close group of friends-that of course involve him and OW. He is close to his parents and goes out the family farm many days a week. He states "in general" he is very happy.
I've considered coaching instead of therapy. IDK. Working on it. I am doing a lot of Brene Brown right now and I realize I have a lot of shame to deal with.
I've considered apologizing to my SS20, SD19 and this is going WAY out there because H's XW made big chunks of my life difficult but I've even considered apologizing to her as well. I'm not sure this is the best action. Am I doing it for me? Then I probably shouldn't. I should only do it if I'm truly doing it for them. I still need to sit with that more.
At the very least being on here is keeping me off my phone where the temptation is too great at the moment.
