Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Why does this bother you so much? I guarantee the first thought in anyone’s mind would be “what did you do to deserve that?” and the second thought would be “I bet you cheated on her”. Wives don’t just go around throwing out husbands for no reason. People tend to know what’s up.

Thinking about this more, it is more about what he can say to me, himself, and the kids. I don't really care if he says to other people "she kicked me out even though I was willing to work on the M" because we all know that an affair is absolutely grounds for kicking your H out. I think it is more the dynamic between the two of us and I get that I'm not looking at this from a place of total detachment. If I was I wouldn't care what he thought or threw at me. That is just not the case right now and just reading through Alison's threads I can see myself there so easily and know it would drive me absolutely bonkers. Especially after I've staked out this position for so many months that our M is worth trying for. Again, I can see a path to change my mind and I 100% give myself permission to change my mind as my feelings change and/or I learn more about my H, his past behavior, his current behavior, his likelihood to change. I'm just not there right now and I can't really fake it.

Also, unfortunately, it’s likely he’s already been poisoning the well about your character, if not to friends and family, certainly to the OW. Although who cares what she thinks, honestly. Point is, you can’t control what he says and you shouldn’t base your actions on attempting to control the outcome.

I don't think this is true, tbh, excepting to OW and I don't give a $hit about what she thinks. I know he has presented the SSM as evidence of wrongdoing on my part to those he has spoken to about it (parents, brother, one friend) and I think they've all been like ouch, that isn't good, but doesn't justify what you did. (This has been troubling to him as I know he assumed they would all be shocked and horrified on his account, maybe because he's spent two years only telling the AP and IC about this and AP fed it and IC is an echo chamber, quite skilled at validating.) I think I've mentioned before he's said if I need to tell people about the A he'll have to tell them about the SSM to which I'm like, be my GD guest. I don't care if people know that. It is true. It doesn't excuse a single whiff of what you've done.

In terms of not being able to control what he says... Yes. I know this. In terms of basing my actions on attempting to control the outcome... I'm still not 100% there. Yes, I see I should be making decisions in the best interests of me and the girls. Yes, a part of me feels like H is a bad bet and so I'm better off without him. I still am not there for the children. I hear you all saying they'll be fine. Are their lives better off with me and H in an OK M vs separated? Can I be the best mom I can be while going through this trauma? Will it ever end? If I do decide to stay and work on the M and he does as well, what does that look like and can I actually *do* it? Let alone knowing that H would have to be just as invested in the process, which he isn't at this point. I know that I had difficulties within a couple months when he broke it off with her last time, of not feeling like my needs were being met because H was still feeling so sorry for himself. Maybe in writing this I'm starting to convince myself that there is no path forward together until he can 100% own his own actions and commit himself to fixing things, which isn't where we are right now. I don't know. At this point, just trying to keep focused on myself and a lid on my feelings, avoid R talks until at least we both have a chance to talk to our ICs.

I think there is more than I have wanted to admit about not wanting people to know about all of this. It is just such a sad, f-ing cliche to have my 40 year old H go and leave me for a much younger woman. I'm really, really angry about that. I think I need to better understand why I'm so much angrier over the actual leaving than the cheating. I can't explain it, but it is true.

Alison, in your thread recently you were talking about the trauma of the actual S, knowing that one or both of you could exit the M-- somehow making that all real feels really scary to me. Also, I know (as you've said, Scout) the S or even D doesn't necessarily preclude R down the line. But I'm having a really hard time grasping that. I think as soon as he leaves and it is out there WHY I just can't imagine ever wanting to be with him again. Maybe that is part of the reason I'm pushing him to make the decision himself-- it gives me the ammunition I need internally to cut ties and move on. Whereas if I kick him out, it makes it more like something we chose together and maybe could potentially choose to reconnect? And I don't want to leave that hanging out there if we split? And still, the act of walking out the door and leaving me for OW is still so rage-inducing for me. Maybe I'm just trying to avoid that situation at all costs.

I'll go buy those sunglasses-- I have a gift certificate I can use and am excited about imagining myself as the cool, collected, unavailable woman. I also am still looking at puppies (which H knows). I just got to the part of your old threads where you got the puppy earlier than agreed upon by your H and it cracks me up as I know my H would behave in the exact same way. He is watching me so carefully about the potential adoption of a puppy. I found a super cute one this morning in a mix of two breeds I've been talking about and it was soooo cute. I've told the kids we're getting either a puppy or two kittens in September.