It’s been a while since I have updated, so here goes…
After H’s major Hollywood-style reconciliation, he has once again turned a 180 and is now planning on renting that expensive place for a year and moves out in August. I have been all over the place emotionally, but when he told me his decision, I felt at peace and calm about it. The rollercoaster, the back-and-forths (I love you! I can’t live without you! I don’t love you! I can’t live with you!) has started to test my sanity. His vacillations have made me realize what a mess he must be inside and that I am not responsible for breaking him, nor for fixing him. The only possible way we can have any sort of M2.0 is letting him go completely.
Easier said than done, of course, and after all of this I am not even sure that we have enough bones of goodness to even consider a future, if one ever presents itself.
I am proud to say that I am the most detached I have ever been. When he rails and rants at me, his accusations are so clearly a projection from within him that I don’t take it personally. I listen for germs of truth, validate when and where I can, but have put up personal boundaries surrounding his projections. They’re not mine to own or deal with.
He has so many issues from childhood that are rearing their ugly heads right now and I feel like the catchall for all that happened in his youth. This, combined with his indecision, his impulsive decision-making, his meanness towards me, his EA, his depression and his complete lack of understanding that his decisions are not made in a vacuum, they directly impact the children and I, all lead me to believe that maybe he is in the midst of a MLC. I don’t know much about MLCs, but from what I have read on these boards, he ticks all the boxes.
I am trying to recognize why it is important to me to compartmentalize H’s behavior… is this a control mechanism on my part? That this all makes sense if he is having an A, or is in the midst of a MLC, or has some sort of mental illness. Is that because I need to resolve myself of responsibility? Or is it because his behavior is so out of character that I can only ‘stand’ in our M if I externalize it all? And maybe it doesn’t really matter if the results are the same: I am able to detach and find my way into a healthy life without H.
Any advice on MLC, or any thoughts on my role in all of this greatly appreciated.
