No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi all! Sandi thanks a lot for your words. Let me first ask for help on a new matter and then provide an update about how I am doing.

I recently talked to my L and made a proposal in terms of custody and alimony. W came back saying I am miserable for deducing 200 Eur a month in alimony when that is no difference in my lifestyle and would mean she might need to consider moving out (she has moved into the best neighborhood in Seville). I told her she has never clarified her expenses to me, I only followed my L recommendation and I cannot believe she continues to mix who I am as a man and the legal process she has started between us.

Last friday we talked about this, I said I would talk to my L and update terms. When I was at her place talking about this my S6 asked about 6 times if I could stay over for dinner. I had a party with my friends so I ended up leaving. From her side there is always more of the same, "you have not changed because if you would had you would understand that I left you and I came back to Spain and I did nothing wrong" or "I am not going to start dating you now, I do not feel anything and I dont know if I can ever feel anything, we are separated and that is the current situation, accept it and move on. If we are never back, that does not make me a bad person. Every time you blame me I feel like you do not understand me"

Later at the party with my friends a good friend of mine told me if I can pay those extra 200 Eur is just money and worth avoiding the friction with my W and I should see this as the responsibility of having 2 children in this world. I am very lost, I have tried to make a stand as a man and she has used D as a threat because all of a sudden her financial situation is no longer secure as she needs alimony (well she always claims is for the kids and I am taking money from them and forcing them to move out). She has used this as an excuse to say I have not changed and I still have the same issues with money and blaming her and she says when I "really"change she will see it. I dont know what to do, I will see my L again Wednesday but I am torn between the decision to pay her all she wants or remain strong and get D because she is just in that point (I am also sick of hearing "my feelings havent changed since I left"). Those 200 Eur mean nothing to me, is more the feeling of paying for her new life where all doors are shut to the monster I am and our M vows are useless words on a paper.

You should have seen the face on my S6 when I told him I had to leave and hugged him, he was sad, upset and broken. Yes Sandi you are right, I dont like this woman and the way she treats me with no respect or admiration. I am a monster to her and the source of all this unhappiness, but I would try to change that for the sake of my children. I am afraid you are right and I cannot change her feelings or make her love me again.

I have spent the weekend at the beach with friends but I was down. I keep having this feeling that all she wants is financial support and to get me as far as possible from her. The last couple of times I tried to start casual conversation with W she comes back to me with sentences as "I am busy with the kids" or "I am having dinner" and nothing else. I dont understand all the times she says I didnt want this, I am going through a very harsh time, I cry every day and when we have a chance to sit down face to face is all blame and excuses to avoid a new fresh start. Early Aug it will be the first anniversary of DB, I am much better and using my GAL activities to fuel my inner strength but I dont know what to do anymore.

What do you all mean by stop fighting for your M? Should I live a life where my R side is frozen? I know I have to leave her alone. It's been a full year and her feet are planted on the very same spot. I am tired and lonely, I go to bed every night to our marital bed alone and I force myself to keep a single happy man state of mind. The coldness she uses to speak about D... it blows my mind. The other day she told me we had S6 by accident as a young couple and S1 when she was in a bubble to make our R work no matter what, but we have never had intimacy. If I try to talk to her about how we both need to work on this, she feels like I am blaming her and not accepting I was the sole cause of the failure of our M. Then there are things like, I cannot understand you say DB hurt you when our R was dead long ago and not much changed when I started closing doors to you and treating you as if we were formally S. At some point she even said making her be with me would be like forcing me to marry a woman I find cute but is totally unknown to me...

I guess I undergo these "conversations" because she always says if we are to ever R it will not be via Retrouvaille or anything similar but rather progressively by talking and then doing things together. I never thought we would spend this summer separated, I know I had issues and I am working to erase them, but I never thought the harm I caused her through my emotional inability and selfishness was so big to break our family forever. I continue to work on myself, one step at a time, I am now reading "The ways of the superior man" after having finished "His needs, her needs" and I last Saturday I beat my personal 10k best time at now 48 mins 50 secs.

Human mind is wicked, all I can think of is those great moments we have lived together and her mind is focused on every discussion, every time she felt ignored or rejected... I admitted to her I probably have a pink view of our R but I know I wasnt happy either and I want something really different with her and she is the most valuable thing I had in my life. I am learning so much from my books, I started listening to women actively and I have identified a list of frustrations I had in my R with W and I will never allow to happen again (as in I will speak out next time I am in a R about this).

Again apologies for my long post, I need somewhere to write about this. W has told me I have wasted opportunities to come closer to her but I honestly cannot think when!! She has used the stupid legal terms in our S agreement to judge me as a man and reinforce her belief that I have not changed and cannot assume my blame. She will only talk to me about the separation agreement, is like a $%#^# flashback to munich october last year when all she wanted from me was the agreement signed to come to Spain. For all other matters I get cold answers as if she wanted to avoid me. I am not forcing her to be with a bad man or to go back to the R we had, why wont she see that?

Life is freaking good, I have 2 amazing children with a woman who doesnt feel an inch of love for me. Talk about series in Netflix, life can be much more entertaining!

Can you please help me with this anxiety about the time it has been since she left home? What do I need to do? cut any talks with W? Thank you all for your time and help! please keep posting, I need the support from this board more than ever. Everyone talks to me about how the right woman will come in the future and I need to forget about W and get over my D.