Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

CW-- thank you. I feel like if we were in the "conscious uncoupling" type D, he'd want 50/50 time with them, like three/four days and then switch. I've actually put together a schedule assuming school starts again that would give us exactly 50/50 on waking hours (excepting getting ready for school in the morning because that is no prize for anyone) but they'd sleep here with me. I'm pretty sure he'd be amenable to it right now, but I also realize from a legal perspective it would mean 6 nights with mom and 1 night with dad = dad is paying child support to mom as primary physical custodian. I just don't know if he'd go for that if he wasn't feeling guilty.

Wooba, thanks... I think it is all still detach, detach, detach and focus on what I want.

Blu... I think you may be right about not being sure I really want this H any more. I'm not religious but I've always believed marriage is for life and especially for the children, we shouldn't have had them if we were going to get lazy and chuck it down the tubes a few years in. So I'm angry with him for doing that, angry with myself for taking our M for granted, angry with him for being a weak and pathetic man who is unable to make good decisions and can't face the consequences of his bad ones. And then where does that leave me?

Ugh. I've stood for so long on this "I am not going to be the one to pull the trigger" and I still do not believe that I can. But the feeling I had this time when he told me he was choosing to stay was not the same feeling I had the last time, which was hope. This time was like... oh. really? f*$k. That wasn't what I had been planning on.

I've been reading Alison's old threads. One thing that has really struck me is how much her H milked the 'but you threw me out' line, and I realized this is one of the things I'm trying to avoid. I know, know, know he will do this and it will be awful. He may say it to others, he may say it to the children, and I know he will throw it in my face. And I simply don't want to give him that ammunition.

At this point I don't see it as May is waiting for him with open arms. May has her arms crossed veeeeeery skeptically at this point. I'm trying not to even talk about it with him-- he said it and I haven't brought it back up. I spent all morning keying in on the things I don't like about him. We did go hang out with our friends, which was sort of fun, sort of not as I wasn't in a great mood and there were waaaay too many people to be smart from a Covid perspective, even though it was outdoors. I know H also felt out of sorts as he's felt on the outs with my friend's H for a few months, who wasn't super friendly to H today. H gets all insecure about this, said when we got home that he knew they were glad to see me and the girls but just tolerated H, "guess they brought him along again" which is totally him feeling sorry for himself but also a little bit of the bed he made for himself since he's been a bit of a duck (Cardinal ) to my friend's H in the past.

Anyway. It wasn't the greatest day. Once we got home H wanted to work on planning the big trip, the full four weeks, which is turning out to be harder than expected due to Covid restrictions. He wanted my help so I looked a few things up online while he got really frustrated with some things that are still closed. In my head I'm thinking WE DON'T HAVE TO GO (I did say at one point, we don't have to do this. Just because you said to me what you did yesterday doesn't mean we have to do it. we can go back to the 5 day trip idea. He said nothing.) I'm also thinking THIS IS DUMB as he's basically trying to recreate the trip he had planned that was cancelled in a totally different place, whereas if it was up to me, I'd try to start from the other end-- what are the extra cool things we can do this summer HERE that are possible due to the incredibly low tourist volume and can never do again? I did say this to him, which he acknowledged, but there is just so much caught up in all of this for him. I ended up walking away and going to read a book. He apologized for being stressed out and thanked me for helping him. (so again. he isn't irredeemable. And a year ago he NEVER would have apologized for something like this. We'd both have stewed and it would have been tense for the whole rest of the day. This is part of the reason why I'm holding on, I think. There have been significant and positive changes in his behavior ... though of course not in the one, most meaningful way... but it also means that we as a couple and us as individuals are capable of positive change. it makes it harder for me to turn my back.)

Blu, yes. I can absolutely tell him to stop whining about the SSM the next time it comes up. The IC asked me to talk through what I'm focusing on for myself-- both how I've thought about the SSM and what I want now and for the future-- and she's been very clear to me that i've spent enough time working on myself in/re the SSM. it is time for me to stop enabling him and he needs to start taking responsibility and facing the consequences of his actions. By listening to him, validating or apologizing about the SSM, and soothing him he is just avoiding all of that. So I have decided that the next time it comes up more than a mention I will say something along the lines of what you suggest, Blu. So far, if he's said just one sentence, I've said nothing. I've generally tried to be more silent than letting him know what I think.

I still have Scout's questions copied onto my iPhone and journal... what DO I want in a partner and H? what are the values I'm looking for? How do I want to be treated? what unmet needs have I had in the M? I've been thinking on these. Not quite ready to commit them to paper. But they've been on my mind.

Blu, for GAL.. not much, to be honest. Thinking and having some conversations about my potential new consulting career which are honestly incredibly promising and exciting but which I can't really move forward with if I D from H, so that is both GAL at some level and also just making myself feel worse about what is happening. And anger-inducing since H encouraged this over and over and still is, since he doesn't want to actually get D-ed and also doesn't want the guilt of me leaving this dream behind because we're separating, so keeps trying to tell me to pursue it and we'll make it work. (I don't trust this and won't go forward with it if we S).

Self-care-- I got my baby Botox last week. I need to start exercising and sleeping again. I ate a normal amount today for the first time in awhile which I think was really good. I was actually hungry. If I stay in my current job, I have this new opportunity to pursue there that my boss has offered me and I'm actually excited about, which hasn't happened at work for awhile. Spending time really trying to be there for my kids. Reading escapist novels. Seeing friends occasionally, though with one exception I feel fake because I'm not ready to say what is actually going on in my life. Same with my family. (Actually the only family member I've talked to is my MIL who has been amazing.)

Not sure I can tell him to F off IRL but have been trying to communicate it nonverbally. I put a bunch of stuff away in a drawer he'd recently reorganized in the wrong places, because I just don't really care. He got all huffy... I spent two hours rearranging this and you don't even take the time to put the things back where they belong. I said, yeah, too bad I'm not feeling too motivated to give a $hit what you think these days. He started to say something that I think was going to be along the lines of well maybe you should have .... and then caught my eye and shut his mouth.

We also did have a kind of interesting sidebar couple of lines exchanged. H said something while cooking dinner to the effect of he felt trapped in the M and couldn't leave because I wouldn't let him. I said, whoa whoa whoa. i'm not stopping you. you should GO. And he said, thoughtfully, maybe I shouldn't frame it that way. i guess you are just telling me your truths (that I don't want to be BFFs with him, which is forcing him to stay) just like I'm telling you my truths. I said, I appreciate that. And walked away.

Anyway... I am the queen! Right? So much easier said than done. But I think I'm in a better and stronger place than I was back in January, and much more motivated right now to focus on what is best for ME. So my plan is to keep the focus on me, keep working on detaching, my anger and fears, and knowing I'll be OK no matter what. Kids too.

xoxo M