I know I can protect myself from him when he starts raging and sulking. It doesn't really hurt me any more. But I do carry hurt from the past. I don't want to rely on his remorse and sorrow to let go of that and feel better - because this isn't to do with him and our M but it is to with my well being.
This is a bit of of a pattern with me: I can do brilliant boundaries, and for a while he will respond and treat me with respect, and when I do that that space and safety, my feelings about the way he treated me in the past bubble up.
I wish I'd had boundaries like this a year or two years ago. If I had, I'd have divorced him by now. I am not sure how knowing that - 100% - is compatible with piecing. I don't think I can piece things together with him without him really getting what he did, and being sorry for it - and there is sometimes glimmers of that, but not in any sustained way - he just doesn't have the emotional maturity to do that self reflection.
Alison,
I am so glad you shared this. I hope others are reading here. Eventually every person here will come a place of better understanding, strength and detachment. For some it will be weeks-months, however for most it will be a couple - several years. When that hindsight becomes 20-20 we can reflect back and see how what we did and how we reacted did not work for us and worse, it held us back. Most of the time that includes the poor boundaries. We are leading by emotions and fear and not from a place of strength and resolve. I want people to read your words and try and put into practice what you are saying because they too will come to a place where they wish they had done that earlier. You are stronger and more detached. I can see NOW so clearly what I should have done from day 1 in my sitch!
The way our S treats us does not have to hurt us -- we either allow it to or we don't ...
And no, Alison, you do not have to rely on his sorrow and remorse to feel better. None of us do and that is part of healthy detachment and not allowing others to control our emotional process. However there is an exception to that and I think that is what you might be running into now. Piecing a M back together involves both people acknowledging their mistakes and atoning themselves. In order to rebuild trust and intimacy after betrayals and separation, there is a lot of individual work to do first (or simultaneously). You have said yourself that he doesn't have emotional maturity to do self reflection. You have also said that he lacks remorse and worse he bullies you when you are vulnerable.
So what I am suggesting is that you don't need him to be sorrowful/remorseful to feel better, but you will need that if you are going to rebuild a marriage. Right now your home is built on a foundation of sand. You will need a complete overhaul and new restructuring. And it's completely okay to let it be for some time and figure out if you are willing to put that kind of work in. Even if you are, it doesn't mean he will or is even able to. Perhaps your feeling stuck and ambivalence around D is some sadness in this realization now that you have looked at him more objectively (given your detachment). I agree with others, there is no hurry to make a move.
I know in time you will create a new foundation and home, with or without him there. I know you know it too.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
