I think he's being honest when he says he's scared and doesn't know. I don't think in a million years he'd ever do the break-it-off-with-her with me in the room gig. I don't know that I'd actually want that anyway except to feed my bitter angry control friend inside. I am trying to figure out how much I want him back for him vs. making sure he doesn't end up with her, because of the public nature of that specific humiliation.
May, it is great that you are being really honest with yourself. Take some time and let your inner angry friend calm down. Like you said, the angry you and the zen you might want different things. You have to work through your anger to figure out if you even still want this man in your life.
Originally Posted by may22
Last week, the IC had asked me what I wanted, and I'd said what I'd said all along-- the two of us really giving our M a shot with AP out of the picture. That our kids are worth the shot. To me, you have an affair, you fall in love-- too f-ing bad. You don't get to have a whole new life and relationship built on the sorrow and betrayal of your first relationship. It just doesn't work that way. you screw up, you hurt the people you're closest to, you try to fix it and make it better. If you can't fix it, you need to at least try. And to me, the R with AP is collateral damage. Too bad, so sad. They both should have known better and that R is doomed to fail.
You are right, the two of you should give it all and try to work things out. However, this would only work under the condition that your H is “giving his all.” He should do the right thing, but again and again he’s shown that he has been making the wrong choices. He can have a new life and a relationship built on sorrow and betrayal. He already has one with AP. It does mean that he won’t turn around start making right choices again, but meanwhile your anger and opinion won’t be able to stop him from doing what he wants to do. (I’m sure you already know that.)
Like many have said, there is no rush....you have every right to be angry and bitter. But that is not the place you want to be when you make a decision. And I am only able to be zen because my H is staying away from me. If I were in your shoes I don’t know if I could handle things as well as you have!!
