One of my fears is that because of this I won't be able to recognize, in the moment, when I need to set a boundary or stay true to a boundary. For a while after BD I was definitely walking on eggshells. But I think I have to trust I am getting better at finding that balance (when to ignore behavior, when to set boundary, how to be kind and live with boundaries, not mutually exclusive) and allow that it takes practice.
Yes, you will get better at it! You will learn to put yourself first.
Originally Posted by cardinal
In thought, though, I do sometimes judge H. Every so often, like this morning, I feel that old pang of disappointment, hurt, and anger that he disregarded our vows and was able to (might say had to, in a more compassionate view) just be done with our M.
We’re only human. It is almost impossible to see things without judgement. But I believe that being self aware of our actions and thoughts (as you are) will help us to self-correct. This is where compassion helps one to think from a more loving perspective. Although regarding “separating the behavior from the person” part - I’m not sure about that. I think a person is defined by his or her actions. A person is defined by the many choices he or she makes. When I think about my H, my compassion mainly stems from our past history and how I know he is incredibly flawed. But at the same time I still hold him accountable for his sh1tty choices. Sort of like I have compassion for a criminal who probably had a difficult childhood and the situations in life led up to his bad choices, but he’s still gotta got to jail for his crimes. (If only society can put H away and force him to repent lol)
So I guess for me I still judge. H did XYZ, and gosh they were wrong. Some anger will rise up from that. But also accepting that I have to let the anger and resentment go ultimately for my own well-being.
I think you are a champion at being compassionate. Lots of virtual hugs to you!
