I'm really not putting a whole lot into his words right now. I don't see it as a reason to derail the whole-hearted examination of myself, my fears, my anger, my desires, what I do and don't like about my H as a person and a partner. I don't think him saying this (again, by the way... fool me once, right?) should make me deviate for a second from the path I had started along.
Scout, you're absolutely right that he isn't choosing me. I listened very carefully to what he said and tried to record it faithfully for you guys... the absence of me as a reason to stay was obvious. I *almost* asked " what about me" when he was talking about the children being the reason to stay, but refrained as there was clearly no point to saying that. How I felt last time around was well of course he can't look at me that way since his entire brain is taken over with obsession for this other person. Now... I really don't know. I'm trying to channel Wooba and not care.
I honestly don't want to get dragged into a dissecting of his mindset and where he is or isn't right now, leaning in or not... but i will for a second. (Hard to help myself, bad habits die hard.) I think he's confused and angry and sad. He's still angry with me about the SSM. He has taken more responsibility in the last week or so, two separate times has come up to me outside of an R talk and said something along the lines of I love you and I never stopped, I'm sorry I got us into this terrible situation. I know we're here now and we have to deal with it, but I'm sorry I did it. Yesterday he said (later in the day) I know I was put into a situation that made me open to doing this, but I know I made a series of choices to actually do it and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. So, that was new, I guess. But he is still really caught up in the SSM even if he isn't directly lashing out at me against it. I truly don't know if it is something he'll ever be able to get over.
All of that, though, has to do with him and not me. I need to decide for myself as we move forward if this is something I want to lean into or out of. If I think there is a chance it will work out. If I really want to be saddled with someone who is clearly a bad bet given our history. But is still the father of my children.
We haven't talked about it again. Wayfarer, I think you're 100% right, if he brings it up I'm going to punt until after we each have our IC appointment (Wednesday). I spent today still dwelling on the things that bother me about him and the good things about being on my own. I'm also afraid that if we "try" and it doesn't work, I'll be in a much worse bargaining position about the children and finances... though time with the kids is 100% the most important thing to me, and I know that custody arrangements can be readdressed at any time. (Anyone reading here with experience-- would it count in my favor if I had physical custody of them now if he went to have an R with his AP, it didn't work out, and he came back wanting 50/50? My guess is that the courts would give him 50/50 as long as he is a good dad, wants it, and has a good,safe place for them-- is that correct? or would there be some leaning towards me just because he didn't fight for 50/50 from the beginning?)
Alison, he is totally not committed. I think he's being honest when he says he's scared and doesn't know. I don't think in a million years he'd ever do the break-it-off-with-her with me in the room gig. I don't know that I'd actually want that anyway except to feed my bitter angry control friend inside. I am trying to figure out how much I want him back for him vs. making sure he doesn't end up with her, because of the public nature of that specific humiliation.
Last week, the IC had asked me what I wanted, and I'd said what I'd said all along-- the two of us really giving our M a shot with AP out of the picture. That our kids are worth the shot. To me, you have an affair, you fall in love-- too f-ing bad. You don't get to have a whole new life and relationship built on the sorrow and betrayal of your first relationship. It just doesn't work that way. you screw up, you hurt the people you're closest to, you try to fix it and make it better. If you can't fix it, you need to at least try. And to me, the R with AP is collateral damage. Too bad, so sad. They both should have known better and that R is doomed to fail.
And, the last couple times we talked he did start to say things about not being sure it would be so peachy with her. That while he loves her and how she makes him feel, he doesn't want to get divorced. He's been pushing back so hard against the feeling that nobody (except his IC) truly believes that this is real love with the AP-- everyone acts like it is a fantasy. he is so adamant that it is not. But now that I think I dropped that line, maybe he stopped fighting so hard against it and is starting to think on his own maybe it is just dopamine hits, or has elements of fantasy, and maybe their love wouldn't be enough to overcome all the obstacles of what he'd have to give up in order to be with her.
Now I know that isn't always the case, sometimes Rs start out as an A and they end up blissfully married. But in my world, I just don't condone that and I will never, ever want her to be a part of my life in any way. I know I don't have much control over that-- she very well may be a part of my childrens' lives-- but I don't have to like it and I don't have to be OK with it and I am angry about even the possibility of it. So, I am trying to sift again through my anger and feelings to be sure it isn't my stubbornness and need to win that I would consider "trying" again vs an honest desire to make it work and a clear-eyed belief that there is any real possibility of that happening.
Anyway... just wanted to update you guys on where I am and thank you for caring and chiming in-- it means a lot. I'm going to keep my head down and focused on me. The way the trip is being planned anyway, even if we were to do the whole thing, would be possible for him to just take the kids for a week or two of it so I don't mind him planning the whole thing-- we could very easily go back to one or two seven night trips instead of one or two five night trips, and I could get them and do something fun with them in the off weeks. So I'm not sure it makes much of a difference to me to insist on him planning 5 night trips with the girls as opposed to the whole family vacation. I'm not committing to go on any part of it at this point or for the children to be with him for all of it, but I'm sure I'm OK with them being there for a week, maybe two weeks split.
And on the trip note-- i can't tell you how incredible it is to have you here who will be honest with me when I'm not 100% in the right. I felt it when I told him no about the 5 day trips-- I knew inside I wasn't being reasonable. I texted my friend who assured me I was being completely reasonable. She asked a bunch of questions which made it clear to me I wasn't really being reasonable, even as I answered her questions and she assured me I was.... so being able to come here and you guys saying "May, this is your control thing coming out" was really important to me and not something I'm getting anywhere else, except from H. So.... thank you. I feel so much better about the whole thing now.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
