Finding and living compassionate indifference

[cardinal]

Thank you, D, for sharing more of your thoughts on compassion here! I love your list, and it does make me realize I am on the right track:

Some concrete actions: close the cupboard door gently, be considerate when driving (let that goof that waited until the last minute with no signal into your lane. smile I may have to work on that one. Lol), be authentic, step back when emotionally hijacked, say sorry (when you should), smile, help others, realize you just might make someone’s day with the smallest of your actions or words, make someone’s day, be compassionate to yourself (it all starts within), reward good behaviour and ignore poor behaviour, don’t sweat the small stuff, invite your live-in spouse along even if you suspect they won’t come, be a kind roommate, be respectful, stand up for yourself, be consistent, let go the outcome and be kind because it is for you. Live it.

I've been thinking about them in the last few days, and one of the things I've come to feel is that I'm a pretty compassionate and empathetic person. I would say it's one of my strengths. I think I am doing pretty well being compassionate toward H in demeanor and action and can probably trust that my first impulse most of the time is to be kind. One of my fears is that because of this I won't be able to recognize, in the moment, when I need to set a boundary or stay true to a boundary. For a while after BD I was definitely walking on eggshells. But I think I have to trust I am getting better at finding that balance (when to ignore behavior, when to set boundary, how to be kind and live with boundaries, not mutually exclusive) and allow that it takes practice.

In thought, though, I do sometimes judge H. Every so often, like this morning, I feel that old pang of disappointment, hurt, and anger that he disregarded our vows and was able to (might say had to, in a more compassionate view) just be done with our M. I had a bad dream last night, which is probably influencing me this morning--H had filed without telling me, and I was again met with seemingly cold, unfeeling H, who seemed numb to this great loss that had happened and was happening in our lives. It was reliving a little of BD aftermath, I think, when he didn't seem to be grieving anything, as if he'd decided to break up with a girlfriend after a month and not completely end a 16+ year relationship and M. Also, curiously, H's mom sent him a box of high school yearbooks and photo albums. I saw them stacked on the floor. It made me sad--maybe because thinking of teenage H before he knew me and how we don't share those memories with each other anymore, or maybe because it made me think about how he was when I first met him in college. So I'm in a funk. These pangs happen less frequently than they used to, but it would seem I'm still working through letting go and respecting his decision in that sense.

Firstly realize what you are working towards. A compassionate view and life sees your spouse clearly and objectively. Doesn’t judge. And works towards forgiveness and acceptance. Craft those ideals and beliefs

I do realize I am working toward forgiveness and acceptance and seeing my spouse clearly and objectively, but not there. In this case I hope if I continue acting consciously with compassion and kindness, my subconscious mind will continue to work on letting go and forgiveness. My actions will also influence my thoughts.

Ah, yes, you talk about that too:

Physical actions influence our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Behaving compassionately will affect you and influence you.

I suppose having compassion for myself would be acknowledging that I have further to go with forgiveness and letting go, and telling myself it's okay I'm not 100% there yet. I do think I'm going in the right direction.

And now it's time to mow, though my yard is little, so I won't have as much time to contemplate as you driving over your acres. I think of your hours of cumulative yard work in part helping pave the way for this:

XW was here, in my yard. In her “old” yard, amongst all her memories. I cannot say “I was indifferent and felt nothing”. No, that’s not it. I felt compassion for the woman. I was not hurt, or vengeful, or angry. It was a happy day which XW happened to be a part of. Yes, I do still love the woman, the mother of my children.