After all I posted about the 'good aspects' of how understanding H was about my work, the housework, etc, we had another skirmish on Friday night. The dog had made a mess in the hallway. I cleared it up, and it was fine, but H started ranting and shouting about how I wasn't looking after him properly (this is not true). I said, 'you don't get to shout at me like that,' and left the room. He carried on shouting and ranting, on his own, for at least another two minutes as I was upstairs. He went out for a couple of hours - I don't know where - and when he came back went into another fully fledged rant at me about how I had no right to be upset about his EA - that I'd treated him appallingly over it and really he'd done nothing wrong other than reach out to someone he needed. I have literally no idea how he got from being annoyed that there was a puppy puddle in the hallway to his infidelity and my reaction to it. I asked him what had put this in his mind, and he said I had total double standards and had no right to demand respectful treatment after all I had put him through in the aftermath of his EA. Now I admit, I was distressed and furious and acted totally irrationally during that time - pre-DB days - and I have already admitted that, apologised for it, I would not act in that way if I had my time again and I do not act like it now. But I won't allow him to use it as a lever on me whenever there's a domestic infraction. I gave him some home truths - telling him that if it was emotional support he was after, he'd have gone to a therapist or a good friend, not picked up a pretty 25 year blonde where the support consisted of sexting and secret meetings, and if he was kidding himself about that, he could go right ahead but I wasn't buying it. I left the room then.
In the morning he was apologetic - reluctantly - and said he'd over-reacted and was out of line. I said 'fine' and left it at that. The thing is, it isn't anything I want to hear right now. I believe he's not had much of a heart-change. So long as he isn't stressed and I am doing and saying what he wants me to do, everything is 'fine'. If I disagree, refuse to be bullied, or there's some domestic or parenting difficulty that causes him some stress, he's a very cruel and nasty person, full of manipulation. I believe deep down he still has that abuser's mentality 'everything would be okay if she'd just make sure the dog didn't make a mess / did what I think is best with the parenting / leave me alone more' and that seems to justify his behaviour. His apologies are worth nothing.
I've been avoiding him since. He's now annoyed with me because I am being quiet and holding a grudge, even though he's apologised. I said, 'I'm just processing, that's all,' and got out of the room. I don't want an R talk, I don't want to listen to more of his opinions or excuses where he attempts to convince me that his behaviour is both perfectly acceptable and also my fault, and I don't really feel like trying to make him see what an utter %^#W he is being. I just don't want to be around him.
Edited to add: one of the other things he said was that he was very unhappy and felt angry with me all the time, constantly triggered. I asked him what triggered him - what was it I was actually doing that made him so angry - and he said it was my 'double standards' - I asked him to help me understand this, and he then said I was mocking him by asking too many questions and I refused to listen to anything I didn't like. I said I'd listen to him say whatever he wanted, but I wasn't going to sit there for his ranting, nor was I going to pretend I agreed with him about his bullying and infidelity being acceptable to me, when they weren't at the time and never would be. And then he blew up and I had to end the conversation. The man is deranged.
