I think focusing on yourself and keeping your course is a good idea, May. Your husband is spinning and is probably going to say anything to get what he wants. This might be sincere, or it might be the 'charm' offensive as rage and self pity and the childish manipulation hasn't worked.
I think all you can do right now is hold your boundaries and understand that for your H words are cheap and meaningless, and it is by his actions that you will know he has committed to the M. Cast your mind over what happened earlier this year, when he refused to block her number, made a song and dance about deleting playlists, and lied to you for months about sleeping with her at their last meeting. You tolerated that in the name of giving him space and relinquishing control over his actions. I don't doubt your motivations were the right ones - but it didn't work.
I don't suggest you give him a laundry list of things he 'must' do to prove his commitment. But I do suggest you watch his actions carefully, and have extremely high standards for yourself in terms of what you will and won't commit to.
In your shoes, I'd expect no less than him telling her, while you were in the room, that it was over and he was never going to be in contact with her again. Total, life-long NC with numbers deleted, playlists gone etc. Full transparency. IC for him and MC for you both, where the matters of his infidelity and the SMM will be addressed in solution focused ways. A consistent respect of your boundaries. I wouldn't tell him he needed to do those things, I'd just be looking out for those actions happening, of his own free will, pretty soon and with enthusiasm. And if they didn't, I'd be assuming that we were in some version of the same 'I'm trying but not really, I'm just saying whatever it takes to shut you up and make sure I get what I want,' and make my decisions based on that fact.
For example - this exchange:
Quote
I said, how do I know she isn't going to throw a bomb into it like she did last time? he said, I don't know. I'll tell you about it this time. I'm scared. I don't know.
is pathetic (of him). If he was really committed to this, he'd have said something like, 'I will make sure she is unable to contact me. I will block all her phone numbers and social media contacts today, in front of you. If she manages to get through that, I will tell you immediately and I will block her again.'
Words are nothing without a plan of action. And the responsibility for coming up with the plan of action is his, not yours.
Even then, of course, there's no guarantee. I know you know that. And I would proceed as if there is no guarantee, no matter what efforts you see him making - which would mean making sure I was as financially independent as possible, had a strong support network of friends and family, impeccable GAL and assertive boundaries and no immediate financial or property commitments that would disadvantage you in the event of a divorce or you discovering he was cheating again.
