Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Thanks Scout and Cardinal.

Scout (and Alison) that civilized, expensive sunglasses version of D is really appealing to me. I like it.

Cardinal, thanks for sharing that story. I think it does come in waves. I'm here with you too. The "Hamilton hangover" also makes so much sense to me. (Also, he is a duck. I like that too.)

H came home and I was laying in bed with the kiddos, looking up recipes for tea cakes. (They wanted a tea party). He crashed in and hugged me, and all of us. He drew me aside and said he's decided to end it with AP. That he doesn't believe that he could ever be mentally sane or happy with AP knowing that he might have damaged the children. That she wants kids and the right thing to do is to stop holding her back, let her live her life, and let her go. That he owes it to the children to really work on our M without her in the picture and see if we can make this work. That this continued ambivalence that he's been doing for the past two years is untenable. He can't keep doing it. And if he needs to make a choice he wants to choose the one that hurts the kids the least.

Then he said, I'm really scared. I'm really scared we can't make it work, that I won't be able to get over the SSM and fall back in love with you. I'm really damaged.

I didn't say much. In my head I'm wondering if here I got what I've been wishing for and it isn't really a prize, that he's right, we're dooming ourselves to years of misery and settling. That I'll never really be able to fully trust and love him again. Why are we putting ourselves through this charade.

I said, how would it be different this time? He said, it will be. I will never contact her. I said, how do I know she isn't going to throw a bomb into it like she did last time? he said, I don't know. I'll tell you about it this time. I'm scared. I don't know.

I said, you are saying this right now, you may change your mind and feel differently tomorrow. Let's not rush into anything. I would need to know that this time will be different in order to feel comfortable trying. There is no hurry.

He wants to do the full trip as originally planned with all four of us. I am skeptical. I said I don't know that this is a good idea right now. He said, I need this. I said, you can take the girls, it will be OK. He said, for a month??? Totally skeptically and I was like, oh yeah. Right. That won't really work. I dropped it.

So. I'm just going to let this sit. I'm not feeling happy or enthused about it. I know this is what I said I wanted but I don't know if he is for real, I don't know if this is really the best thing for either of us, I don't have confidence this time will be any different from the last. And yet all along I've kept tight to our kids deserve us trying and we simply can't try with a third party in the picture. We won't know until she's gone for good. And I guess this is a step in that direction.

I don't really want to think about it seriously right now, so I don't think I will. I think I'll continue to focus on me and the girls.