Embracing Peace and Joy

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

It is wonderful to see the progress in your situation.

If we have decided to explore reconciliation, why not act "as if" it's a done deal? If we both provided what each other needs every day, why wouldn't it work? Seems to me you make a commitment, than do what needs to be done to meet that commitement.

Something to explore with H at some point.

Yes, if each of you work towards reconciliation it will work.

However, a few things to consider/remember:

H is still like a timid squirrel. Keep the pressure low, very low. It will take 1 or 2 years for him to feel like himself again; to feel comfortable in his own skin. He will have set backs; don’t focus upon those, keep moving forward with compassion.

Act as if, a bit. Follow H’s lead. He is still upon his path and his healing is still about him. Yes, his and your paths are now intertwined, let him find the commitment to you and his healthy view point. Dig for patience, and keep those questions and conversations at bay for a while longer.

“If we both provided what each other needs every day...” - What a person truly needs comes from within, not from someone else. That is the lesson H hopeful has learnt during his running.

You both find your needs from within. You both provide the wants for each other. Then it will work out and last.

I do see changes. Good ones. My biggest obstacle is the infidelities, the seeming ease with which he could carry on a double life. The ease in lying. I think that's the big thing I need to deal with so it can be buried.

There are really good changes happening.

Yes the infidelities and the ease of lying will, at some point, get discussed. That is not now. He is just weeks into sitting on the couch with you and watching TV together. Be patient. Don’t let your emotions push you too far ahead. You want H to progress slowly so he doesn’t skip over stuff, or he will cycle back - and you don’t want that. It’s really good if this goes slow. I know, it will feel maddeningly slow, you can do this.

Those items are big things to deal with. However, imagine in 10 years from now, they won’t be all that big, would they? Perspective and feelings. You won’t sweep this under the rug, and you won’t make it bigger than it is. It does require timing however.

“I need to deal with so it can be buried” - Don’t bury it. Nor ignore it. In time, talk about it in full light. Buried things have a way of haunting us. In the light it will lose its power, and you can accept and forgive. That’s more your path Grace.

In what will feel most unfair, you have the bigger share in this at the moment. You need to lead the way, being a beacon. Holding your tongue, having faith in the process, and realizing the time for discussing all the things is coming. Dig deep my friend. You are still the prize, and your path is still paramount. H has turned and is walking your way - keep leading.

One step in front of the other, and one day at a time. Indeed.

Enjoy the time together and the company. This is a new relationship you are creating; like dating. Don’t bring all the heavy talks on the first dates. You are doing just fine.

D