I would want to say "direct all correspondence to my L" and wear sunglasses and never make eye contact when we swap out the children. I'm a looooooong way from being OK with a civilized friendly D.
That is your prerogative, May. Civilised contact IS exactly what you are talking about and you aren’t obliged to give your H one ounce more of consideration. Are you screaming at him in front of the children or smashing his windscreen with a golf club? No? Then you are being civilised. Being friends with a person who betrayed you and endangered your health and destroyed your finances and lied to your children would be a Herculean feat.
Think of marriage in business terms. You literally had a signed contract that your H has breached. You unfortunately have a continuing contract to raise children with the man who committed ‘crimes’ against your ‘company’. Do you have to be friendly with a business partner who embezzled from your company? Or with the mugger who pistol-whipped you and stole your handbag? That would be absurd.
The beauty of the kind of civilised divorce you’re talking about is that it really, truly allows you to make a clean break and heal properly because you can be as NC as possible. Continued friendship or whatever you want to call it will keep you stuck. Some people can make it happen, but your dynamic is far too codependent. Perhaps in the future - once YOU have healed and YOU decide to reach out - you can grant your H the gift of friendship.
And just quietly, I can advocate for the civilised, non-friendly divorce. It works for me and I don’t miss the friendship any more. It is difficult at first to set and enforce boundaries - not coming into the house, no chit chat. I know I came off cold and tense. You have to stop caring about what he thinks of you. When my X first moved out, I wouldn’t be caught dead in less than a full face of makeup, blow-dried hair, nice clothes whenever he came around. Now I couldn’t care less.
Exes who betray us should lose the privilege of having access to our innermost thoughts and feelings.
