I went over to H's place yesterday. We cooked a meal, shared a bottle of wine, talked, and watched a show together. It was nice. While watching the show on his laptop, we had to sit close together. I found myself disappointed he didn't reach out to touch me in any way. I was craving that little bit of physical contact. I rubbed his back for a few seconds. He said "it's just like old times, isn't it?".
It was. We have always been good companions. We have an easy way about doing everyday things, and always enjoyed sitting on the couch together watching a show in the evenings. Up untill the day he left almost 2 years ago.
We talked a bit about how to move forward. He said that maybe we could benefit from seeing his therapist together since she knows him so well. I agreed it would be beneficial, and maybe even an important step to navigate some of the difficult things I know must be discussed. He will talk to her about it on Thursday.
I was telling him about some of the home chores - yard, etc, and he said "you can always ask me for help if you need to".
He is slowly coming back to life.
We have both been careful to say things about reconciliation in a "not sure thing" way. Sort of like leaving the door open that we might not be able to make it work. It's hard to express, but got me thinking.
If we have decided to explore reconciliation, why not act "as if" it's a done deal? If we both provided what each other needs every day, why wouldn't it work? Seems to me you make a commitment, than do what needs to be done to meet that commitement.
Something to explore with H at some point.
I do see changes. Good ones. My biggest obstacle is the infidelities, the seeming ease with which he could carry on a double life. The ease in lying. I think that's the big thing I need to deal with so it can be buried.
Last night H talked about eventually having a fresh start. About trips he would like to take with me, with our friends. That perhaps we could even do it soon.
I need to let my guard down a bit and just "be". See where this takes us. Enjoy his company without expectations or over thinking it.
We are suppose to get together again tomorrow. I asked him to plan something.
