It's calm but certainly not easy. There really isn't much new to report. The fact is my marriage is going to end and for the most part I've come to accept that reality. What's more important is that I get myself to a place where I can live peacefully with this, forgive myself for not having been more aware of the severity of our problems back when there might have still been a chance to save the marriage, and to move forward and live a happy life. I think this is where DBing can help, and man I'm trying, but at about 3 months post BD it still isn't easy. I don't think I've had a night where I've been able to sleep more than five hours since the morning of BD day.
I'm still hear everyday, following with interest anywhere from fifteen to twenty threads each with their own unique sitch. These aren't people I know but in a way I feel I know them as I root for them with compassion as they try to contend with some extraordinary challenges. I learn from their cases, and especially from the advice offered them from a few of the vets like LH19, Sandi2 & Steve85, who graciously share their time and wisdom with others in an effort to help folks they don't know personally regain their lives in the face of some extraordinary, and often times traumatic, circumstances.
I wish I was as natural at this as you are, Spiral. A week ago my W sent me a text that I almost saw as patronizing and infantilizing, though maybe that's on me and reflective of my own current state of mind.
"Bob, it may be too soon to write this, I am sorry things got so screwed up!!! I should have caught what was happening between you and I a long time ago!! You are smart, kind, empathetic and I only want the best for you. You will always have a special place in my heart. I want you to be happy!! You deserve it!!!! I got complacent in our relationship and just took things for granted the way they were. At the end I started hating myself for I knew I shouldn't have felt frustrated because I was part of the problem! I miss your family!! I just wanted to take a moment and tell you how I felt and I know it wasn't all your fault, I was probably more to blame. You will always be very special to me!"
Yeah it's over. Sometimes I think I'd feel better if I were hated by her but still respected. At this time she's questioning why we had even been together in the first place. Well it had been fourteen years so I would think at least at some point something was working right. Later that same day we had to meet to exchange some things and she volunteered to me that she had just returned from her first therapy session. She stated that our marriage was a main topic of discussion. Like with any relationship we had our issues, but my own memory tells me that throughout most of it there existed a mutually supportive element to it from which we both benefitted. Perhaps she remembers it differently. One thing is for certain, we sure as heck weren't communicating effectively over the last year or two. She was frustrated and rather than express it in a constructive way it usually came in the form of snide remarks and dramatic flair ups. When she was like that I typically stonewalled and tried to weather the storm hoping to maintain harmony, figuring we'd get to it when she could be more civil. Big Mistake! So, same old story, conflict avoidance, mostly on my end, killed us. I think I need to have NMMNG shot straight into my veins.
I'm glad you're doing as well as can be expected during this challenging time, Spiral. Like yours, my own sitch has seemingly happened with breathtaking speed. For me it just makes it a bit tougher to process all of this. Entering into 2020 I could have never expected this is what was going to happen to us, and yet, that's probably a pretty good indication for why it did. So I move forward, GAL, 180s and work on detachment. I'll get there.
