Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Thanks, Alison, CW. everyone.

I told him it would be OK for him to take the girls for five days, we'd work it out if need be.

He told me he spent the day trying to figure out how to tell AP he was done. And didn't get an answer. That if he knew how to end it he would and if he knew he wanted to choose AP he would have done it already. He doesn't know what to do.

I said, if you want to go, the kids will be ok. I will make it work.

He said, I have two mental health professionals (his IC and MC) telling me the kids will be fine if we D. I have everyone else in my life (mom, brother, me, I guess) telling him they won't. That they're the most important thing to him and he can't do something that would hurt them.

I repeated. They'llbe fine. I'll work with you. I'll be fine. They'll be fine. He didn't respond. Went to bed and asked me to not stay up too late.

We watched Hamilton tonight and it totally broke me, I'm a mess. When Philip died I started crying and didn't stop. I'm floored that something I've listened to over and over and over can still have that much of an impact to see it on TV. My poor D10 was like "mommy I don't like it when you cry like this" and got me kleenex and then whispered to me if you smile it makes you feel better-- really, it does-- I do it-- try it. Which only made me feel awful. Probably set me up for this conversation. I feel spent.

thanks for being there.