I'm scared if he goes and has a fun time on this trip (which I know he will) it will just be more evidence for him that D is the right answer. I'm scared if I change my mind it will be more evidence for him that I *will* change my mind on other things and he'll be able to have his fantasy D. I'm scared if I let up even one single inch on this, he'll get his fingers under there and use it to convince me that this is actually all OK, step by step, starting with this five day trip and moving on to a month next summer and ending with being BFFs with H and AP. In the dynamic we have going on right now, where it very much does feel like a power struggle, I feel like I need to hold onto my truths/boundaries/whatever-I'm-calling-them-- or else I'm just demonstrating that he can get whatever he wants if he only badgers me enough about it.
This is where the good stuff is, May. You are being really honest. A lot of this is about your wish to control what he thinks and feels about you and your marriage, isn't it? I get that. And those urges to control don't come from a place or love, or peace, or self-care - they come from fear.
Being divorced is going to be better for you than this current situation is. Being R'd is going to be better for you than this current situation is. You cannot possibly loose as each step to being a co-operative co-parent, dealing with your own fears, setting clear boundaries and sticking to them and not taking on board the silly nonsense he puts your way is a step towards both divorce and reconciliation: healthy marriages and civilised divorces lie in the same direction. I am almost sure of this.
You will not be driving him away but letting go of the control and holding to your boundaries, you will just be ridding this dynamic of what is unhealthy. The control from fear on your part, the manipulation from immaturity on his. Whether he chooses to stick around for a healthy marriage is up to him - he may very well not - but you can be in control of offering that and nothing else.
I also think you are very wise to be wary of 'giving him an inch' - though the person who decides how far to go and no further is you, and not him.
Just because you compromise on the holiday for the sake of co-parenting does not mean you compromise on the other things - unless you decide to. It's much easier to say 'no' to everything than it is to pick and choose what is okay and what is not (I know this from experience) but if the only thing that is holding you back is what he might or might not think of you, then you can let that go. You decide what kind of conversations you have, what kind of marriage you want, and what kind of divorce you're going to have.
Maybe it would help to separate the marriage from the parenting. If you divorce, you're going to have to do that anyway. You will have to find a way to communicate cordially and fully with him regarding your daughters even if he throws you out and moves his AP in and sleeps with her in the marital bed while your girls are in the living room watching cartoons. That doesn't mean you're going to have to be his friend, like him, approve of him or what he does, spend social time with him, or even wish him well.
